Wolf – The Train Monster?

Well that’s just done it ..

The train home from Anderston to Cambuslang after work.

Totally packed, but getting on at Anderston beats the rush of the city, I already have a seat in a six seat booth beside the window facing forward.

Some other people come along and grab the other three corners.

Because we humans are sociable like that!

I’m thinking thank fuck the walrus sitting opposite me didn’t sit beside me … but what was I to know!

At central, it’s rush hour and the platform is packed and every carriage is standing room only.

Two more folk approach the booth, skinny dude and a fucking hippopotamus even fatter than the walrus sitting opposite.

The skinny dude, a gentleman without an option as fatty is pushing ahead, lets her choose her seat, centre facing front or centre facing back.

She chooses front.

Now I’m sitting pinned against the window with her fat arse and elbow pressing against mine.

Fucks sake.

Now she has her phone out playing some stupid game her elbow hitting me every few seconds.

It’s not painful, just extremely annoying.

I can’t stand fat people, it’s bad enough getting caught behind their slow wide wobble when you’re in a rush.

But sitting squeezed in and pushing her not unsizeable bulk into my space is intrusive in the extreme.

I really want to shout at this person … you dirty big fat inconsiderate fuck, why don’t you lose some weight you fucking monster.

But then that would make me the monster.

Maybe I’ll just follow her home, then come back later and murder her in her sleep. 😀

—-

I had considered writing this as a Train Story without the last paragraph which gives it an extra twisted twist!

Until that point it was going to be ironic, criticising her then turning it on myself.

But that last line is dementedly sick. I like it.

I watched Joker last night, what a performance by Joaquin Phoenix if that doesn’t win the Oscar then their fixed.

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You’re The Best Thing That Ever Happened ..

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Check that pic of my 3 kids taken on the morning of the Millennium,   Laura is now 28,  Claire 22 and Steven 30.   All summer babies.

Happy days.

Things have changed in the past almost 20 years.  I was divorced a few years later and they’ve grown up,  All young graduates and my elder two are established in their careers and living with their partners.

A couple of weeks ago,  I mentioned on here how pleased I was for my munchkin, Claire 22,  to graduate and get a new job.

The only problem is that the new job is down south at one of the major banks.  Thankfully its not London based,  but it is a fantastic opportunity and carries an amazing starting salary.

I’m absolutely delighted for her.

But here’s the thing ..  I’m somehow sad,  not for her or them .. I’m delighted ..  that doesn’t change.    But its as if somehow its an end of an era and my purpose and usefulness has come to an end.

That’s rubbish really .. I know it .. You know it.

But its overwhelming.

I find myself making tea in the morning,  knowing that she’s still asleep in bed,  knowing that she’s safe and thinking next week,  I’m on my own.

We had dinner last week and her brother and sister wrote beautiful messages on the good-luck cards they have her ..  Their as proud as I am ,, but without the angst.

Tomorrow I drive her down south,  she’s going to be living with her boyfriends parents.

I’m looking forward to meeting them and I’m pleased that she’s not going to a flat. Moving house and starting a new job in a new city is stressful enough never mind living in another unknown place.

A 6 hour drive from Glasgow and it will be like driving her down the aisle.   Giving her away to a new life.

Yeah pathetic I know.

She says she’ll be back every few weeks and she’s already planned to be back on the 14th.

But how long will that last?

Indefinitely she says,  her life is up her,  she says.

And I want to believe her,  even although she’s starting a new life down there.

I hear my inner voice saying,  part of being a parent is you need to let them fly,   you’ve done a good job,  provided for them and gave them the tools to fly and now they are living their own lives.

It’s my proudest achievement seeing them get on in life.

But despite my brain over-ruling my heart, knowing it makes sense,  it still hurts.

Jeez,  I’ve had my moments of heartache or even heartbreak before.

But nothing,  no nothing, compares to this.

Tomorrow her boyfriends parents kindly offered if i’d like to stay at theirs.  But I booked a hotel to save any inconvenience.  I’m genuinely looking forward to meeting them and going for dinner on Saturday night.

No doubt that there will be sad good-byes on Sunday before the drive back north to Glasgow.

No doubt that I’ll be choked but will try and keep a smile on my face.

On the positive site,  next week,  an empty nest ..  I can sit about in my pants ..  play my music or piano as loud as a like at any time of day or night.

It’s time to take the parental gloves off and get back to living a single life.

Give it a couple of years,  the grand-kids will be here and I’m quitting this working for a living malarkey.

Bring it on!!   🙂


 

Sunday at 12pm,   Celtic are playing Rangers at Ibrox,   I may be driving up the road or might watch it down south then head for home.

I hope there aren’t any more tears on that long drive up the road.

Have a good weekend whatever you do.

Flying The Nest?

2 down, 1 to go!

Well it’s finally happened, My kids are all growing up and leaving me to start life’s of their own.

Laura 28 left first, just over a year ago, buying a house with her partner. She called me last night to tell me they are getting married next year. I’m delighted for them both.

Steven 30 leaves this weekend, moving into rented accommodation with his partner. They’ll be buying soon but giving it a try first

Both of these were expected.

What wasn’t expected is that my munchkin Claire 21 would be moving out so soon.

She recently graduated from Strathclyde with a first class honours degree. I’m very proud of her. Even more so that she has her first job working for a major bank on an amazing starting salary.

A salary that many of my own extended family couldn’t hope to earn despite working for many years.

There’s the proof that education and guidance makes the difference to people’s starts in life.

What wasn’t expected is that she’d be leaving home so soon and moving south to their headquarters.

Coincidentally her boyfriend lives in the same city.

What’s the chances eh??!!

I’m pleased for her but can’t help feeling a bit sad.

This place we live isn’t just a house, it’s home.

Soon I’ll be rattling around in it on my own.

The thought of downsizing crossed my mind, maybe renting it out and using the money to see the world.

But truth be told I’ve seen as much as I want to see with the exception of New York, Vegas, Washington DC and the California coast

I’ve no desire to backpack across Vietnam or experience food poisoning or malaria in less civilised parts of the world.

So what next?

I’ve no idea really, keep working, no mortgage to pay so just enjoy life.

Truth be told, I think it’s time I found a new partner and settled down.

Life’s too short and too precious to live it on your own.

2am on Monday morning. This new job comes with bank holidays.

But if truth be told I’m not convinced if being staff rather than self employed is for me.

Especially with a daughter getting married next year!

It’s going to be costly. 🙂

A Gun At My Head?

It’s been a big year, many changes occurring but nothing too bad or irrecoverable.

2 days at court with the legalities of finally reaching a settlement with my former partner.

She took the stand and laid it on thick. But she lied and I could prove she lied.

At lunch on the second day after I’d shown the evidence they wanted to talk and we settled out of court.

Yep I took a hit, not as bad as it could’ve been after already giving her a 6 figure settlement but she was holding a gun to my head and it was worth taking the hit to keep the house.

Who gifts 6 figures? Seriously?

Not even the judge believed that.

It was my own fault, blindly trusting someone with my hard earned cash, giving them a loan to help them move on, only for it be used against me as a bargaining chip.

I should have got the legal steps in place at the time. My bad.

I made the mistake of treating people the way I expect to be treated. My word is my bond. If I make a promise then that promise will be kept.

It’s a done deal and life goes on.

The gun is no longer at my head. The mortgage has been paid off. There’s still money in the bank.

Life is good.

Now that the stress has been removed it’s time to have some fun!!

Please Just Fuck Off!

It’s the half night

The half light

I’m wide awake

When I should be sound

 

She’s been texting

Her anxiety increasing

With my lack of response

But I was asleep to be fair

 

She wants me

She misses me

She wants me to fuck her

To do anything I want

 

She asks

Do I miss her?

Do I not love her?

Why don’t I love her?

 

All that angst and anxiety

While I was in the land of nod

Dreaming about nothing at all

And certainly not her

 

Continue reading “Please Just Fuck Off!”

So what’s wrong with me?

3am and the world is dark

Everywhere except the blue-white light from my phone.

Fell asleep on the sofa .. again.

There was a message from her waiting when I woke up.

Asking if I was awake and wanted to talk.

I wasn’t and I didn’t.

She says that she misses me.

I miss her too, but not enough.

Not enough to make the effort, invite her over, spend the night wrapped in her arms.

Or legs. Continue reading “So what’s wrong with me?”

The First To Say Good-Bye?

 

The First To Say Good-Bye?

Well she actually said,  “Fuck Off”   .. delightful I’m sure!   🙂

It’s not that I haven’t said the same thing to her before,  because I have,  even although I didn’t mean it.

It was more a “Seriously?”  than a “Get out of here”.

Where as hers was more a ” Get out of here asap and never come back”  🙂

But the big difference is,  somewhere inside,  this time I knew she meant it.

This time I thought,  you really are pissed off with me.

What is it that I do to make piss her off so much?

How can I simply be out with friends and family enjoying the day,  then get a rattling angry text from her.

Truth is,  I was enjoying spending time with my closest brother before he goes through a major operation,  enjoying the football,   the sunshine and his last few days of freedom before going under the knife with life changing results and I don’t even want to think about the worst case scenario.

So we got caught up,  I hadn’t contacted her until 8:30,  but it was only 8:30 for fucks sake,  hardly the end of the night.

Yeah,  maybe I should have contacted her earlier to finalise arrangements,  let her plan ahead,   I get that,  but it takes 2 to tango,  does it not?

So what next?

Let it go?

Apologise?

Look for some middle-ground between eating humble pie and maintaining a huff.

You know I miss her,  she knows I miss her,   I know that she’s hurting,   probably waiting on a call  ..  or maybe not.

Here’s the truth,   good-bye isn’t always a one-sided decision and fuck off isn’t always the end.

We’ve came this far and its a lot to throw away for trivial reasons.


 

Anyway,   my closest brother is genuinely under the knife today,    they found a 4cm long tumour in one of his kidneys and are removing the kidney completely.

Only this time last week, we met for a curry and some beers before going to see Bryan Ferry at The Royal concert Hall in Glasgow.     He’d only just heard the bad news.

He’s a different kind of character to me,  he’s  more “get it done” where I’d be worried sick.

But you’ve really got to love the NHS for taking care of business so quickly.

So it might not be perfect,  budgets are limited,  but when you need it,  it’s there.

Last night,  I went over to see him ..  strange thing ..  I don’t see him every week,    we aren’t in constant contact,    but he’s my oldest friend,  a close confidante,  I just can’t imagine him not being around.

Right now,   waiting on the news from the hospital,  it’s a strange situation,  a pregnant pause,  when life is out of your hands,  big things are happening and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about them.

I’m not really religious,  but I will admit to having said a silent prayer.

I never ever want to say goodbye.