Wolf – The Last Goodbye?

It wasn’t the first time she’d said goodbye.

Maybe it won’t be her last.

Maybe?

Over the past 15 years the relationship was ..On .. Off .. On .. Offffffffff .. On .. Off .. On and now finally Off .. or so it seems.

She wasn’t happy that I wasn’t paying her enough attention.

How dare I have the audacity to have a life that doesn’t revolve around her!

Like Galileo or even Copernicus, I was found guilty for highlighting what now seems obvious.

Continue reading “Wolf – The Last Goodbye?”

Please Just Fuck Off!

It’s the half night

The half light

I’m wide awake

When I should be sound

 

She’s been texting

Her anxiety increasing

With my lack of response

But I was asleep to be fair

 

She wants me

She misses me

She wants me to fuck her

To do anything I want

 

She asks

Do I miss her?

Do I not love her?

Why don’t I love her?

 

All that angst and anxiety

While I was in the land of nod

Dreaming about nothing at all

And certainly not her

 

Continue reading “Please Just Fuck Off!”

So what’s wrong with me?

3am and the world is dark

Everywhere except the blue-white light from my phone.

Fell asleep on the sofa .. again.

There was a message from her waiting when I woke up.

Asking if I was awake and wanted to talk.

I wasn’t and I didn’t.

She says that she misses me.

I miss her too, but not enough.

Not enough to make the effort, invite her over, spend the night wrapped in her arms.

Or legs. Continue reading “So what’s wrong with me?”

The First To Say Good-Bye?

 

The First To Say Good-Bye?

Well she actually said,  “Fuck Off”   .. delightful I’m sure!   🙂

It’s not that I haven’t said the same thing to her before,  because I have,  even although I didn’t mean it.

It was more a “Seriously?”  than a “Get out of here”.

Where as hers was more a ” Get out of here asap and never come back”  🙂

But the big difference is,  somewhere inside,  this time I knew she meant it.

This time I thought,  you really are pissed off with me.

What is it that I do to make piss her off so much?

How can I simply be out with friends and family enjoying the day,  then get a rattling angry text from her.

Truth is,  I was enjoying spending time with my closest brother before he goes through a major operation,  enjoying the football,   the sunshine and his last few days of freedom before going under the knife with life changing results and I don’t even want to think about the worst case scenario.

So we got caught up,  I hadn’t contacted her until 8:30,  but it was only 8:30 for fucks sake,  hardly the end of the night.

Yeah,  maybe I should have contacted her earlier to finalise arrangements,  let her plan ahead,   I get that,  but it takes 2 to tango,  does it not?

So what next?

Let it go?

Apologise?

Look for some middle-ground between eating humble pie and maintaining a huff.

You know I miss her,  she knows I miss her,   I know that she’s hurting,   probably waiting on a call  ..  or maybe not.

Here’s the truth,   good-bye isn’t always a one-sided decision and fuck off isn’t always the end.

We’ve came this far and its a lot to throw away for trivial reasons.


 

Anyway,   my closest brother is genuinely under the knife today,    they found a 4cm long tumour in one of his kidneys and are removing the kidney completely.

Only this time last week, we met for a curry and some beers before going to see Bryan Ferry at The Royal concert Hall in Glasgow.     He’d only just heard the bad news.

He’s a different kind of character to me,  he’s  more “get it done” where I’d be worried sick.

But you’ve really got to love the NHS for taking care of business so quickly.

So it might not be perfect,  budgets are limited,  but when you need it,  it’s there.

Last night,  I went over to see him ..  strange thing ..  I don’t see him every week,    we aren’t in constant contact,    but he’s my oldest friend,  a close confidante,  I just can’t imagine him not being around.

Right now,   waiting on the news from the hospital,  it’s a strange situation,  a pregnant pause,  when life is out of your hands,  big things are happening and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about them.

I’m not really religious,  but I will admit to having said a silent prayer.

I never ever want to say goodbye.

Dating Dilemma? The need for positive affirmation.

Imagine, your dating for a month and have an amazing time and then you are invited into his/her home and you find this.

What would you do? 🙂


I came across the above dilemma on Facebook, two of my aunties and a few female cousins had commented.

I scanned the comments, most were from women, with a mix from :-

1 – They have mental issues, help them by calling social services.

2 – They have mild mental issues and can’t manage a household. Help them by tidying the place up.

3 – They may or may not have a mental health issues but they have a chaotic lifestyle, leave and end relationship.

4 – They have mental issues, potentially dangerous, run away.

Clearly whoever it is, may or may not have mental heath issues, But they do have lifestyle issues.

The fact that they function normally in public but have a chaotic home life is an indication of much deeper issues, clearly lazy, unable to manage their time and you bet a bad financial history.

Would you get your kitchen gloves on?

Really? That’s not going to help the deeper issues going on here.

Besides, you’ve known them a month, So why would you even considering spending time with such a loser?

Perspective people. Sometimes you need to recognise that people are their own worst enemies and it’s not your problem.

But why do people feel the need to comment on Facebook?

Is it something missing in themselves that they need to give an opinion?

That they need that opinion to be ratified by the number of likes they receive?

Did their comment change anything?

No it doesn’t, it’s a completely pointless waste of fucking time.

Personally I’d go with option 3.

Oh shit, I’ve given a pointless opinion.

Wolf – Once?

wolf

 

I hadn’t heard from her in over a year, since that last mad Friday before Christmas when Glasgow goes nuts for the day.

Just like everywhere else.

The city centre is full of drunken works party nights, fights erupting because the alcohol has lowered the inhibitions and given the pent up frustrations a voice, or a fist.

Guys making complete arses of themselves trying to get off with that office girl they fancy, who isn’t really interested, but he’s hoping to catch her in a weak moment.

Worse .. the office girl giving it to the lecherous and probably married boss, then regretting it the next morning after she wakes up alone to find that he’s disappeared back to the wife at 3am.

She called me drunkenly at 1am asking me to join her and her friends at some club in town.

She swore down the phone that she loved me, despite that fact that she was 6 months pregnant with her and her husband’s fourth child. Continue reading “Wolf – Once?”

Wolf – Last Christmas?

wolf

Of course I miss you, it would be stupid to think that I didn’t.

A couple of years together thrown away a puff of anger, hurt feelings and faux outrage.

Faux?

Because we are both proud people and although we were both in the wrong, our pride doesn’t allow us to apologise and climb down from our moral high ground very easily.

I know that I upset you, you know that you upset me, but is worth throwing away a bright future for the sake of some relatively petty issues?

Probably not.

So why are we allowing this to continue to fester and the distance between us to grow?

I’ve already said sorry. I don’t think I can do anything more.

How many apologies does it take? Continue reading “Wolf – Last Christmas?”

Good People, Bad Things, Right Reasons?

Trump

Check out my face.
I’m no George Clooney or Brad Pitt.
I’m not exactly handsome.
Am I?

Check out my body
I’m no Arnie, Beckham or Federer
The diet coke guy
I’m not.

Check out my mind
It’s not Mandela or Thatcher
And Stephen Hawking
Has nothing to fear

Check out my heart
You’ll see that it’s big
That its full of love
And it’s in the right place

Check out my soul
It’s mostly pure
Mostly
But I have sinned
I have stolen
Cheated
Lied
But only to survive
And provide

A sinner, a liar, a cheater, a thief
It doesn’t make you a bad person
Sometimes good people
Do bad things for the right reasons

Continue reading “Good People, Bad Things, Right Reasons?”

Wolf – Patience?


She’s fucking dead. 

She just doesn’t know it yet.  

Does she think she that she can steal from me and get away with it?

Really?

I mean, we aren’t talking a trivial amount here,  a full 6 figures is not to be sniffed st. 

That was my retirement fund. 

So how do you think I feel?

A fool and his money?

Too right I do. 

I trusted her,  helped her out in her time of need and this is the payback. 

The point being there is no payback. 

Not from her. 

A gift she says,  a fucking gift?

Who gifts six figure sums to ex-lovers?

Yeah maybe fucking Rockerfeller,  but not any ordinary working pleb. 

Not fucking me. 

Look at her sitting there smugly, brazenly,  holding hands with her new dick and lying her ass off. 

He’s got a smirk on his face. 

They  know that they have me at an advantage.  

It’s hard to prove a negative. 

It was a gift. 

No it wasn’t. 

Yes it was. 

Repeat. 

Things were running along nicely until this dick came on the scene.   We had an agreement and progress was being made. 

Now that counts for nothing.  So they say. 

Not with me it doesn’t.  My word is my fucking bond.  Good or bad. 

Do they think that they are going to steal from me and get away with it. 

No fucking chance. 

They’ve took advantage of my good nature and the fact that I still cared about her and abused my  trust. 

Yes I should have made it legal.  But I trusted her.  

Now do you see were trust gets you?

Trust fucking no one. 

There’s a life lesson for you. 

Not with your heart and definitely not with your money. 

Do they think that they can get away with this?

My lawyer says that I should have came to him sooner,   That I should have made a formal agreement at the time. 

Yeah fucking yeah.   Tell me what I don’t know. 

I already feel stupid.   

A fool and his money.  

But here’s the thing,    

Do they think that they can steal from me and get away with it?

That just isn’t going to happen. 

Even if legally they win,  morally they have stolen from me and there has to be retribution.   

My pride won’t allow it any other way. 

Anything else would be weak. 

Even if I win today,  they have attempted to steal from me and for that there has been retribution. 

Win or lose. They die. 

It’s just a matter of when, where and how. 

We already know the why. 

I’ve already gone to the mattresses,  shut myself off,  cut ties with the people I care about.    I don’t want them involved in this if it goes wrong. 

If they ever read this, then I hope they know why.   It’s not because I don’t care.   It’s because I need to sort this. 

I work and go home, live a quiet life. 

On the face of it. 

But that’s not me. 

That’s when I’m at my most dangerous. 

I’m planning and stalking.  This can’t go wrong.   There can’t be comeback or consequences.   It has to be planned. 

Last week, I watched him kiss her goodbye from a street away.   Followed him to his work. Later I followed him home. 

Then drove away.  

Thus can’t be obvious.  If something happened to either of them today where is the first place that they are going to look?

Patience is a virtue. 

Patience and planning make the difference between spending those retirement years with your grandchildren or Big Bob the axe murderer. 

Patience. 

No warning shots, no threats, nothing to give yourself away.   Nothing to let them see you coming. 

You’re a wolf.   Be a wolf. 

Patient, relentless, ruthless. 

Stalk your prey,   stay silent until you move in for the kill with power, aggression and surprise. 

She’s dead.   

She just doesn’t know it yet. 

 —

4am and wide awake. 

Wrote this, made tea, played piano.   

Teaching myself Half The World Away by Oasis.  Such a great song.   

I love the sentiment of checking out of the planet cos you just can’t stand it.  But not feeling down and at the end asking the listener not to feel down. 

I’d imagine that it would make a good funeral song,  leaving the planet in your old age because you can’t stand it,  but not being down about it and telling your loved ones not be down either. 

No I won’t feel down. 

Don’t feel down …

6am and still awake but eyes feeling heavy. 

The worst thing is when the alarm kicks in at 645,  I’ll not be able to keep my eyes open. 

Don’t feel down!  🙂

Wolf – Consent?

wolf

As I said, I didn’t mean to kill her.

I didn’t know her, there was no malice, I was only defending myself.

Okay, maybe I did defend myself more than I should have, but it wasn’t meant to happen.

She kept hitting me for fucks sake. What was I meant to do?

As I told the other officer, we had only met that night although we had been chatting on the phone for a few weeks.

No sex wasn’t mentioned, not on the phone and it wasn’t even mentioned in the pub, but to be fair, there was some implicit undertones when I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine.

Yes I was surprised when she said yes. Quite taken aback to be honest. We’d had a few kisses and then a bit of a snog, but I didn’t think she’d come back to mine never mind spend the night. Continue reading “Wolf – Consent?”