Blind-Sided? …. Part 1

Ellen Barkin

Alex said to me .. She’s got all the right bits, just not in all the right places.

I looked over to see who he was talking about ..  and there she was,  tall, long legs, long strawberry-blonde hair, decent tits .. the more than a handful size that fills your mouth or smothers your face without looking like they came from a joke shop.

Her face is pretty enough in that quirky way, like Ellen Barkin in Sea Of Love .. she smiles and her mouth twists a little .. but I kinda like it.

I’m wondering what he’s talking about, I don’t see anything unattractive in this woman.

Then she walked towards the bar, and it was all wrong, as incongruous as John Wayne stepping up to order a few French Martini’s, something just didn’t fit.  Continue reading “Blind-Sided? …. Part 1”

The Sportsmans Threesome?

I met an older lady in a bar last night,   She was about 60 years old but still very attractive.  She clearly looked after herself,  great figure,  high cheekbones, classically styled long blonde hair.

We chatted for a while and she flirted with me,  holding my arm and telling me how handsome I was.

I thought she wasn’t too bad looking herself and wondered if she had a really hot daughter.

After a couple of drinks she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsmans threesome”?

I’d never heard the expression before so I asked her to elaborate.

She explained with a smile,  that it’s a mother and daughter threesome.

Wow .. Though I,  if her daughter looks as good as she does then that would be amazing.

A couple of drinks later, she leaned in closer and whispered in my ear “tonight’s your lucky night”

Fantastic,  I thought and paid for the drinks.

Her hands were all over me in the taxi and I couldn’t wait to get back to hers.

When we got there,  she turned on the light and shouted up the stairs “Mum are you still awake!! 🙂

Made me smile!

Once upon a time,  not long after I separated from my ex-wife,   I was in a club in Glasgow,  Arta, bar restaurant and pick-up joint for people of a certain age,   This older woman started speaking to me.

Now I hadn’t been on the scene in a long time and wasn’t really aware that she was flirting with me.   Her hand was on my arm as she gazed up in to my eyes.

She says .. “A handsome young guy like you wouldn’t be interested in an old thing like me”

My reply .. “don’t be too hard on yourself,   You’re not too bad .. For your age”

Cringe …  And with that the lady disappeared!

But a valuable lesson was learned .. 

You got to know when to hold them,  know when to fold them!

Songs To Have Sex To?

Woke up at 3am,  feeling awake, wide awake.   

You know that way when it’s as if someone has flicked a switch and you’re ON?

On .. Binary 0 or 1 …  You’re good to go or you’re not. 

Vague memories of yesterday,  a meeting in town,  stressful,  but fuck that, done now,  what will be will ..

I switch on the tv,  always a mistake when you’re sleepy and need to go to work in the morning,  but I’m not and I don’t. 

Flipping channels and come across Edith Bowman from BBC on Sky Arts with a program Songs To Have Sex To?

It’s very well researched,  scientific,  investigation of the relationship between music and sex in the brain and that both stimulate the pleasure centres releasing dopamine, sorratonin and other happy chemicals.  

According to the research from author Zoe Cormier music is the only thing that stimulates the Corpus Collusum which connects both sides of the brain and when listening to music you like you’re synapses pulse in harmony. 

According to Edith here are the top ten songs that people like to get down and dirty. 

10 – Patti Smith – Gloria

9 – Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsborough – Je T’aime

8 – Air – Sexy Boy

7 – Donna Summer – Love To Love You Baby

6 – Relax – Frankie Goes To Hollywood

5 – Moments In Love – Art Of Noise

4 – Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye

3 – Silly Games – Janet Kay 

2 – Between The Sheets – The Isley Brothers

1 – Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

You weren’t really expecting Marvin to be numbero uno now were you?   

I mean that wasn’t predictable at all!
But a couple of surprise inclusions and omissions there.   

Patti Smith …  Love the song but in a top ten sexy list?

The Art Of Noise moments in love is complete dirge .. More likely to put you off to sleep than get the heart racing. 

Jane And Serge – sexy when it was released and caused an outcry because it was about people having sex …  or if you’re 13 and have ever heard of the Internet!

Air – Sexy Boy repetitive in a groove but not exactly sensual. 

Silly Games –  If you’re 12 and a girl maybe.  Then you grow up and realise it’s just about unrequited teenage lust.  Not sexy at all. 

The show is worth a look and is available on Sky Arts catchup. 

Not the kind of music you want to listen to when it’s 5am and you’re on your own!!  🙂

But what was missing?  

Off the top of my head … In no particular order … 

Sam Smith – Stay With Me

Minnie Ripperton – Inside My Love

Jennifer Lopez – Baby I Love U

Barry White – Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love Babe

Aretha Franklin – Chain Of Fools

Groove Me – Fern Kinney

Loads more and I’m sure you’ll have your own .. Feel free to suggest in the comments!

Hell Hath No Fury?

Hell, hell, yet I’ll be calm.
Now the dawn begins
And so hand of fate is stretched to draw the vale and leave thee bare.
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned
No hell a fury like the woman, scorned.

William Congreve – The Mourning Bride

The quote above often wrongly attributed to Shakespeare is used as the closing lines from the first episode of the recent BBC drama Doctor Foster starring the beautiful Suranne Jones in the title role as the woman cheated by her husband.

At first,  after she spots a blonde hair on her husbands scarf,  her mind us full of paranoia,  that knot in her tummy, natural overreaction,  suspecting his newly blonde assistant,  their friends.

When the opportunity presents herself, she checks his phone but finds nothing.

But the doubt doesn’t stop as she bumps in to his assistant at the school gates who tells her that her husband usually leaves at 5 and she locks up the office every day.

The next day,  she leaves work early,  parking outside his office,  then following him,  as he picks up flowers,  hoping to catch him with the other woman only to find him visiting his mother at her care home.

She’s obviously feeling guilty and its written all over his face,  which he notices.

They have a private chat away from his mother and she confesses that she was suspicious and followed him.

How stupid of her ..

Stupid for showing her hand too soon,  stupid for following him,  wasting that time when there are so many other checks she should have done without the chance of being spotted.

Continue reading “Hell Hath No Fury?”

The Platform Lovers – Savages?

Charles was showing Alistair his phone.

A photograph of Monica dressed in red,  more than a little cleavage on display.

Her red glossy lipstick in contrast with her lightly tanned skin and jet black hair.

“Niiiiccce” .. Alistair hissed a rather lame description of this particularly attractive vibrant woman as he sipped on his beer.

“Nice?   You are wrong there my friend,  She is fucking gorgeous .. I  just wouldn’t get fed up fucking the brains out of that.”

Don’t you hate how some men refer to women as “that”?

The objectification of women .. you’ve read the blurb from all the usual suppliers,  Women’s Lib,  Anti-Porn Campaigners.

Here’s the thing that they miss.
Continue reading “The Platform Lovers – Savages?”

Unfinished Business – Prologue

When was the last time you fucked an airline hostess?

Doctor? Nurse? Barmaid? Waitress? Teacher? Police Officer?

Do you and your mates have a trophy list?

Like kids collect cards of their favourite football players?

Do you collect their underwear and keep it in a drawer underneath your bed?

Do you talk about these women in the pub, compare notes, discuss the intimacies of what you did with who?

Did you?

Have you?

Well you ought to fucking grow up.

Women, regardless of their career aren’t toys to be collected.

Personally I like to keep my memories in my head, those treasured thoughts of what I did with whom, when, where, what we ate, where we went, what music we liked.

But thats really none of of your business.

Somehow these private thoughts have never lost their clarity and sometimes all it takes is a piece of music or the scent of a particular perfume to take me back to some other place and some other time.

Still it’s not every day you get to fuck an airline hostess,

Marie arrived straight from her shift, 7 day long haul to Barbados, most of the time her own except for a day spent on an internal shuttle to Greneda and back.

She said that she was looking forward to seeing me,  even although most of her texts had been attempts to make me jealous as she lay by the pool, or that she was out for the evening, dancing with her friends and colleagues.

The jealousy was working!

As arranged, she sent me a text from the airport letting me know that she was back in the country and on the way.

I’d had a sense of anticipation all day,  an excitement rushing through my veins,  I couldn’t wait to see her.

I had an empty house and spent most of the day preparing for the night ahead,  cleaning, hovering, changing sheets.

As the time of her arrival became closer,  I turned the lights down low,  her choice of music playing,  the fizz was already on chill.

I wanted it to be good for her,  I wanted her to feel special and desired.  I wanted her to come again.

When her text arrived I ran her bath,  but 15 minutes later as she arrived dressed in her uniform like a goddess from an airline commercial the bath was forgotten.

It was still dark at 5am as she dressed to go home,  she liked to be there for her daughter waking up.

She was looking around the room, picking up discarded clothes and dropping them on the bed  “Have you seen my thong?”

I shook my head “I’m sure it’ll turn up” hoping she didn’t see my smile in the darkness.

But I was a different guy back then.

Image borrowed from Virgin Airlines,  how hot do these girls look?