ForgetMeNot

With friends like that?

Friends like what?

Well it’s kinda hard to explain.

Have you ever had or do you currently have a friend that you love dearly,  that you’ve went through lots together,  marriage,  divorce,  in his case re-marriage ..  long term friends who have went through the good and bad together.

I was best man at his wedding,  the second one that is,   been there when the twins came along,  advised him to play more of an active part and stop using work as an excuse to avoid dealing with the kids as his wife needs the help.

Not that I’ve ever been a fan of his missus,   I never thought they were right for each other,   particularly as during the pre-marriage days he had a few misdemeanours,    one in particular where his future wife turned up at my door asking me if he’d stayed at mine the previous night.

Now what can you say in that situation?

Tell the truth and stick your bestie deep in the doo-do?

Or lie your ass off and swear to the big guy in the sky that you’d been out for curry and beers,  came back to mine for some more drinks and he’d fell asleep.

Nobody sticks their mate in the shit,  it just isn’t done.

The missus couldn’t prove I was lying and although I was deeply uncomfortable with it,  what else could I say?

He’d texted me that morning in a panic,   he’d met a girl a few weeks ago and unbeknown to me,  was out with her on the Friday night, telling his girlfriend that he was out with me for the night.

Boys will be boys and all that.

They go out for dinner and drinks,  he goes back to hers,   nature takes it’s due course and the fud then falls asleep, waking up at 7 in the morning in a panic and calling a cab.

He then texts me from the cab to ask me to cover for him if his missus gets in touch.

What can you say?

Errr .. Nah mate,  your on your own?

So he gets home,  the missus suspects he’s been up to no good and rightfully gives him the third degree.

He feigns innocence and has deleted the text to me from his mobile.

I wake up at 8am .. well it is a Saturday .. and see his text, I  can tell he’s panicking and on the way home and know that he’s in it deep as he has a bit of previous.

I swither on sending him a text,  but don’t want to say anything that drops him in it and don’t’ really want involved either.

Nothing happens the rest of the day,  she’s obviously watching him like a hawk and he’s on best behaviour.   But later that evening,  while eating a take-away with the kids, the doorbell rings.  It’s his girlfriend asking if she can come in for a chat.

“Of course you can,    I’m surprised to see you,  hope everything is okay?” .. and I was surprised to see her .. hoping that my genuine surprise is masking my discomfort.

So she comes into the kitchen and I put the kettle on,  any excuse to buy a bit of thinking time.

I turn to face her and although her blue eyes are red as she’s clearly been crying,   they’re intensely staring at mine and she wants a straight answer.

“Did Robert stay here last night?”

Short, sweet and straight to the point.

It’s the moment of truth .. or lie.   It’s the moment of choice.

To choose the path of the hard and hurtful truth or to tell a horrible but gentle lie?

What would you do?

Back your best mate up or tell the truth and drop him right in it?

Call me weak,  I chose the easier path and lied .. yep,  as brazen-faced as I could manage,  I put surprise on my face as if the question had came out of the blue and lied through my teeth.

“Yes,  he was here”  .. and I’m doing my best to look as if the question itself was a surprise  ..  “We went for a curry and a few beers,  then he came here and we put on a Bowie concert and that Depeche Mode one that we had been to,  he fell asleep on the sofa,  so I went to my bed and when I woke up this morning he was gone”

Bowie and Depeche mode an easy and convincing add-on .. my bad …  but she knows we are both fans and have been to see them and watched these concerts at his house after nights out when she’d been there and went up to her bed.

“Is that what really happened?”

“Not sure what you mean?   Yes that’s what happened,  did he say that we did something else?  Is everything okay?”

“He says that he stayed here last night,   but I don’t believe him.   He’s been too secretive lately and disappeared a few times without saying where he’s going or where he’s been,  making excuse to go shopping on his own,  anything to get out the house for a while”

And she stares at me,  almost pleading to hear the truth  “Are you sure that’s what happened?”

And she knows,  of course she knows,  she just can’t prove it.

And I lie again, shamefully,   brazenly,  I’m even embarrassed about it now 15 years later.

A lot has changed in that time,    their married,  got the twins,  I’ve never had to lie for him again.

Back then,  after the dust settled and we met for another beer and curry night .. I ripped him up for putting me in such a horrible position.

If his missus was to read this now,  how would she feel,  knowing that despite him being a good dad and husband,  he had lied to her back then,  would it change anything .. or does time heal and we move along and close off the past,  preferring not to look at its dark secrets?

Let me give you a wee bit of advice … if you’re ever in that situation where you know your partner has cheated but can’t prove it and he has his best friend backing him up.

Trust your instincts.

 

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Wolf – Once?

wolf

 

I hadn’t heard from her in over a year, since that last mad Friday before Christmas when Glasgow goes nuts for the day.

Just like everywhere else.

The city centre is full of drunken works party nights, fights erupting because the alcohol has lowered the inhibitions and given the pent up frustrations a voice, or a fist.

Guys making complete arses of themselves trying to get off with that office girl they fancy, who isn’t really interested, but he’s hoping to catch her in a weak moment.

Worse .. the office girl giving it to the lecherous and probably married boss, then regretting it the next morning after she wakes up alone to find that he’s disappeared back to the wife at 3am.

She called me drunkenly at 1am asking me to join her and her friends at some club in town.

She swore down the phone that she loved me, despite that fact that she was 6 months pregnant with her and her husband’s fourth child. Continue reading “Wolf – Once?”

Kissing Like Strangers? … #poetry

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Lets just kiss like strangers
Like we used to once before
When we were young and nervous
And I walked you to your door

Lets just kiss like strangers
And smile each time we meet
I’ll hold your hand and open doors
When we are walking down the street

I used to bring you flowers
And I used to drive you home
Then in my dreams I’d kiss you
Although I was sleeping all alone

You used to make me dinner
And you used to pour my beer
But it seems like something’s changed
And I’m losing you I fear

Continue reading “Kissing Like Strangers? … #poetry”

Hell Hath No Fury?

Hell, hell, yet I’ll be calm.
Now the dawn begins
And so hand of fate is stretched to draw the vale and leave thee bare.
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned
No hell a fury like the woman, scorned.

William Congreve – The Mourning Bride

The quote above often wrongly attributed to Shakespeare is used as the closing lines from the first episode of the recent BBC drama Doctor Foster starring the beautiful Suranne Jones in the title role as the woman cheated by her husband.

At first,  after she spots a blonde hair on her husbands scarf,  her mind us full of paranoia,  that knot in her tummy, natural overreaction,  suspecting his newly blonde assistant,  their friends.

When the opportunity presents herself, she checks his phone but finds nothing.

But the doubt doesn’t stop as she bumps in to his assistant at the school gates who tells her that her husband usually leaves at 5 and she locks up the office every day.

The next day,  she leaves work early,  parking outside his office,  then following him,  as he picks up flowers,  hoping to catch him with the other woman only to find him visiting his mother at her care home.

She’s obviously feeling guilty and its written all over his face,  which he notices.

They have a private chat away from his mother and she confesses that she was suspicious and followed him.

How stupid of her ..

Stupid for showing her hand too soon,  stupid for following him,  wasting that time when there are so many other checks she should have done without the chance of being spotted.

Continue reading “Hell Hath No Fury?”

More Strong Independent Capable #Women?

I don’t know if you  noticed it but “Clare’s Law”,  the Domestic Abuse Disclosure Scheme came into operation across the whole of Scotland yesterday. 

This scheme gives a partner or third party concerned about a friend or relative,  the right to apply for disclosure of their partners suspected history of domestic abuse or violent behaviour. 
In the six months of its trial period, there were 59 applications of which 22 resulted in disclosure.    

An indication that the majority of cases have 37 from 59 have no abusive history to disclose despite having suspicions. 

That doesn’t make them abusive,  or clear them,  it just means there is nothing to report. 

Either that or the person being reported is not actually abusive but the person applying may have their own malicious reasons to apply, possibly a third party trying to put the mix in. 

Unrealistic?  I don’t think so,  the pettiness, maliciousness and self interest of people never ceases to amaze me. 

Despite that,  having been on the receiving end of domestic abuse,  I’m all for disclosure,  it can only be a good thing.    If it saves one unfortunate soul then it’s fine it’s job. 

As a guy experiencing it,  it goes unreported because what guy would report it?    

You walk away.  Simple. 

Reporting it would only seem petty and result in lies and counter claims trying to justify the unjustifiable.   

It’s easier just to walk away particularly when you are capable of standing on your own two feet and have no ongoing dependency on the abuser. 

But here’s what I’m wondering,  at which point should a person have the right to pry into someone else’s, a partners background?

Define partner?   

Such a vague term,  clearly not someone you met last week,  so should that be based on the duration of the relationship?   

Or on the level of commitment?   I wouldn’t think you’d have to be living together to have concerns.  

Personally I think that it should it be because the person suspected of previous domestic abuse has demonstrated some dubious behaviour?
But if they have demonstrated dubious behaviour,  do you really need to apply for their history?

What if the person has no history to disclose?  

Does that make their behaviour any more acceptable?

Wouldn’t it be better just to get out of the relationship at the first sign of jealousy, controlling behaviour and/or verbal or physical abuse?

Okay,  that’s the ideal,  but it doesn’t really work like that does it?  

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if you’ve been in that kind of relationship,  then the one thing you know for certain is that  you wish you’d got out earlier in the relationship as the warning signs were there. 

How many times have you seen a friend in a long term relationship were they can’t be themselves because of a controlling or jealous partner? 

You listen to their stories and you’d like them out of it,  but they don’t leave,  either through fear of the consequences, fear of being alone or because they have emotional and financial commitments with that person, children, house, mortgage, financial dependence. 

Having listened to people’s stories over the years,  women in particular will put up with some amount of crap from an abusive or controlling partner because they’ve bought into the situation,  had kids,  it’s about more than them. 

If that’s the case the person doesn’t need disclosure,  they already know. 

What they need is support from friends, family and social services. 

In the longer term, If we take it as a given that unfortunately most perpetrators of domestic abuse are men,  then what we need is strong women who will not tolerate that behaviour and avoid being in a dependent situation by having their own career and income. 

Strong, independent, capable women that’s what I like and want my girls to be. 

If they happen to have a man in their life’s then it’s because they choose them,  because they want them, not because they need them. 
Background Info 

http://www.heraldscotland.com/mobile/news/home-news/scots-can-ask-if-partner-has-history-of-domestic-abuse-as-clares-law-is-rolled-out.1435744749

http://www.scotland.police.uk/whats-happening/news/2015/july/national-roll-out-of-domestic-abuse-disclosure-scheme-announced

Application form

https://www.scotland.police.uk/secureforms/disclosure/

Dads, Daughters, Mums and Proms.

I don’t often speak about my marriage ..

So why change that now!

Tonight is my younger daughter Claire’s 6th year prom,  she’s nearly 18,  sat her final exams and leaving school for university soon.

The past month or so she’s been making regular withdrawals from The Bank Of Dad for all things prom .. dress, shoes, bag,  hair, make-up .. other stuff I don’t need to know about .. the works.

You do this once .. so you do it right .. right?

The only fly in the ointment is that despite the girls asking her,  elaborating that she’d be more than welcome,  my ex Alison isn’t coming to see Claire off,  family pics and glass of bubbly.

Thats a real shame and the wee one has been quite upset and hoping she’d change her mind.

Alison and I were together a long time,  but the divorce was messy,  being self-employed I was financially shagged .. but thats okay .. as I once said to my Alison my ex .. it’s only money,   you can’t buy your soul.

Continue reading “Dads, Daughters, Mums and Proms.”