Train Stories – Talking Italian?

I’m sitting on the train this morning,   two Italian guys get on and sit behind me.

How did I know they were Italian?

Cos they just looked Italian,  a couple of good looking tall tanned handsome dudes .. stylishly dressed with no sign of the Mafiosa suits.

They are in mid-conversation and I can’t help but hear one guy telling the other ..

“First Emma comes … then I come .. then 2 asses come together ..then I come again .. then the 2 asses come again ..then I come again .. then pee twice then I come again”

I wasn’t the only one with a bemused face listening in.

Then the other guy says

“So thats how you spell Mississippi?”


 

Good old Chic Murray jokes .. made me smile!

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The Sportsmans Threesome?

I met an older lady in a bar last night,   She was about 60 years old but still very attractive.  She clearly looked after herself,  great figure,  high cheekbones, classically styled long blonde hair.

We chatted for a while and she flirted with me,  holding my arm and telling me how handsome I was.

I thought she wasn’t too bad looking herself and wondered if she had a really hot daughter.

After a couple of drinks she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsmans threesome”?

I’d never heard the expression before so I asked her to elaborate.

She explained with a smile,  that it’s a mother and daughter threesome.

Wow .. Though I,  if her daughter looks as good as she does then that would be amazing.

A couple of drinks later, she leaned in closer and whispered in my ear “tonight’s your lucky night”

Fantastic,  I thought and paid for the drinks.

Her hands were all over me in the taxi and I couldn’t wait to get back to hers.

When we got there,  she turned on the light and shouted up the stairs “Mum are you still awake!! 🙂

Made me smile!

Once upon a time,  not long after I separated from my ex-wife,   I was in a club in Glasgow,  Arta, bar restaurant and pick-up joint for people of a certain age,   This older woman started speaking to me.

Now I hadn’t been on the scene in a long time and wasn’t really aware that she was flirting with me.   Her hand was on my arm as she gazed up in to my eyes.

She says .. “A handsome young guy like you wouldn’t be interested in an old thing like me”

My reply .. “don’t be too hard on yourself,   You’re not too bad .. For your age”

Cringe …  And with that the lady disappeared!

But a valuable lesson was learned .. 

You got to know when to hold them,  know when to fold them!

Can You Imagine life without her? … #humour #perspective

Can you imagine?

For some reason she’s gone from your life?

Maybe because of some stupid reason?

Something you said?

Even if you were right, maybe it was tactless, inconsiderate to her feelings. 

Something you did?

Really?

Well if it’s redeemable then redeem it. 

Apologise, confess, make retribution and don’t let it happen again. 

Imagine life without her. 

That emptiness that she fills. 

Her smile, her face, the way you think about her when you actually think about how she makes you feel, how she’s enhanced your life. 

Think of all the things she does for you, that she does this without needing to be asked or thanked. 

Maybe you took her for granted, made her feel unappreciated, created a resentment that festered and grew out of proportion. 

A small thing to you can mean a lot to her and she has her pride. 

Yes she does. She didn’t come this far in life relying on you. You’re an addition to her life and not the centre of it. 

So if you want her in it, then apologise. 

Put your hands up and ask her forgiveness. 

I can hear your protest, yeah you have a point, but stop being a prick about it. 

Just shut up and do it. 

Or you’ll miss her when she’s gone. 

It’s the last Friday of the month, I forgot to leave out the cash for my cleaner. 

She’s really pissed off with me!!

Don’t know what I’d do without her!! 🙂

Tonight The Waterboys play Princes Garden Edinburgh as part of Magners Summer Nights at the Edinburgh Festival. 

I wasn’t a fan when I was younger apart from The Whole Of The Moon.  

But life moves on, tastes changes, people can relate to songs that once meant nothing to them. 

They did the original version of How Long Will I Love You recently covered by Ellie Golding and personally I think theirs is better, rawer, conveys more emotion although I like the EG version too. 

Let’s get the Fudge out of Rodge!! #humour

I don’t watch a lot of tv but the new directline Insurance ad was on in the background and the last line caught my attention and put a smile on my face.

The ad featuring Harvey Keitel in his role as Winston Wolf from Pulp Fiction comes from those talented people at Saatchi.

Love their work but I don’t think it sells product as it is overshadowed by the humour.

http://www.campaignlive.co.uk/article/1354574/direct-lines-winston-wolf-returns-get-fudge-rog

 

Work Stories – Grey? …. #racism

I heard a joke at work yesterday …

This wee Irish guy goes into The Empire State Building.

He’s only five foot tall and never been out of Ireland before and is amazed by everything he sees on this once in a lifetime trip to the Big Apple.

He gets into the lift to go to the top, its empty but just as the door closes,  this huge black guy gets in.

After a few minutes the big guy notices that the wee Irish guy is staring up at him in awe,  so he takes a few seconds to introduce himself.

“7 foot 2,  22 stones, 12 inch penis, Turner Brown”

The wee guy faints!

The big guy being a gentle giant helps him to his feet making sure he is okay and asking how he can help.

The wee man says “Can you just repeat what you said?”

“7 foot 2,  22 stones, 12 inch penis, Turner Brown”

“Oh thank fuck,  I thought you said turn around!!”

Did you laugh?

If you did why?

Who was the fall guy?

The Irish guy stero-typically portrayed as being small and naive?

Or the big black guy with his stereo-typical name and penis?

Both?

If you didn’t laugh,  maybe the joke wasn’t funny.

But I ask you was it racist?
Continue reading “Work Stories – Grey? …. #racism”