She’d had enough of my shit.
I get that, the only irony being that I’d had enough of my shit too.
I’d been a bad boy, hands up, I confess to all my sins .. now can we get back to our normal life? Please?
The problem was that like that old VW Golf tv advert from back in the 80s, just as I bought in to the relationship, when I had finally decided that I already had the best I could get, the smart money cashed out.
Wanting to check out when you know that the relationship is already fucked and you are just going through the motions and secretively looking elsewhere for a soft landing is one thing.
But it has a completely different impact on your self-esteem when you realise that what you were looking for doesn’t exist and you’re actually better off sticking with what you already have.
Just when you thought you could save things and promised yourself to make the effort, they call it off leaving you standing forlorn just as you were ready to commit.
Isn’t that the worst, trying to save the ship but its already unrecoverable?
And do you know whats worse than that?
Knowing in your heart of hearts that you did this to yourself.
You did it. Nobody else. You only have yourself to blame.
Now tell me how stupid do you feel?
I hated myself, I really did, I had the best thing that ever happened to me, right there in my arms, in my bed, in my life and I blew it.
I knew I’d been stupid, I tried apologising but my calls, texts and emails were completely ignored.
I couldn’t blame her, I’d hurt her, embarrassed her, why would she put up with any more of my nonsense now that I had been caught red-handed and she had the evidence to prove it.
So I moped around for a while, blaming myself, but life is too short to waste it on wanting something that you can’t have.
So we move on .. or at least try to .. what else can we do?
There’s no point sitting about crying is there?
I’d do just about anything to have her back, but she doesn’t want to know.
So there’s only one thing for it.
Let the games begin.
This should have been before the last part .. but I’ll sort that out later.