Wolf – 3 -Letting Go?


Did you know that all wisdom is contained in the Godfather?

That it has rules for life that can be applied to almost any situation.

Friends close, enemies closer?

Not letting your emotions affect your judgement?

She was gone.

After four weeks of hibernation, I eventually told my friends and family. I was hurt, broken-hearted and strangely even felt ashamed although I’d done nothing wrong.

I’d had one week of shock, then two weeks of sleepless nights full of vengeful thoughts and what-ifs.

The final week was acceptance, realising that life has to go on, letting go of the most hurtful aspects, resurfacing and moving on .. or at least trying to.

My emotions were almost a classic case of the Kubler-Ross model of dealing with grief and mostly fitted the standard grieving process for losing a partner.

I was feeling raw, tender, the emotional scar was septic it wasn’t going to heal in a month.

A month just lets the tenderness and immediate pain recede, but you still have the scar and the stabbing pain anytime anyone touches that tender spot.

In those four weeks, I barely left the house.

When I did,  everywhere I went I seem to hear a song that reminded me of her or I seen her face in the crowd.

My parents said that I was better if out of it, dad ever the pragmatist, mum with her old school values that when a line is crossed it stays crossed forever.

Not helpful when you’re hearts breaking and despite their well meaning advice I still yearned for her and missed her..

My friends were better, but not by much. This was the first breakup in our crowd and I wondered who already knew about the affair.

Her best friend Elaine for sure.

The first time that I was in her company was at a mutual friends party. I was chatting to her husband Gregg and could tell that Elaine was avoiding me, but then we sat down for dinner and she couldn’t make eye contact and her silence was deafening.

Let go they said and I did,  just not completely.

It wasn’t really a front, it was more a coping mechanism, denying the most hurtful parts, putting on a brave face, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve forgot, that she has got off Scot-free with her deceit.      There has to be consequences.

I could have rushed out and did something stupid, got myself arrested, jailed and spent the next 20 plus years of my prime lifetime in prison with all the violent no-hopers.

Christ knows how I would have turned out then?

I wasn’t violent, it’s not in my make-up, as a kid I didn’t go around hitting or bullying people but I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t about to get picked by the local wannabe bully-boy just because he had a big brother.

I was the clever one, always studying ahead of the class.

That’s okay when you’re very young, but as other kids got older they became jealous.

Being clever makes you a target.

If you’re bright you learn to be covert, keep your light under wraps because the less educated, the stupid and the more violent don’t like a clever-clogs.

It only highlights their lack of intelligence and they strike out because it’s the only thing they know how to do.

If stupid is what stupid is.

Then smart is what smart does.

Play it dumb in the crowd, but be smart where it counts, in the examinations, where it’s matters.

Then plead innocence, that you’ve no idea how you did so well.

Sooner or later you’ll move away from the dumb-fucks.

They don’t have the intelligence, wit or guile to go where you go, university isn’t for them.

But you’ve learned a valuable lesson in the school of life.

Don’t jump in, be patient, your time will come.

25 years have passed since the day that my world fell apart.

I’ve had a whole other life since then, since that day in January when I found the notebook and my world as it was changed,

It’s like in the Godfather, when Fredo conspires with rivals Johnny Ola and Hyman Roth to kill his brother Michael out of jealousy. Michael doesn’t jump in and take immediate revenge.

He waits, plans it, of course he is is going to take revenge, but it has to be thorough and there has to be no repercussions.

Fredo’s card is marked, but Michael doesn’t want shame on the family or to upset his Mother while she is still alive. But later Fredo goes to meet the fishes.

In my case, I’d met someone else, made a new life, had a family of my own, now all grown up and self-sufficient, I’d found happiness and played my part of being a good husband.

But the hurt she had caused me wasn’t forgotten, I had went to the mattresses and withdrawn completely.  After the legalities were done, she had no contact from me, nothing.

She was below me, life had to go on, to take revenge so soon would have been far too obvious and would have brought consequences that I couldn’t survive.

But now, 25 years later and I’m sitting in my car, at a vantage point 100 yards from her house, the engine and my mobile switched off.

It was something I did regularly, friends close, enemies closer, this wasn’t the first time that I’d intervened in her life.

Just when she thought that her life was perfect, I had stole her greatest happiness.

But I’ll get to that.



24 Life Lessons from The Godfather



The Kubler-Ross Model for the 5 ( or 7 )  Stages of Grief.



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