Blind-Sided – Part 6

Ellen Barkin
Kisses, long and passionate. 

Wet and wild?

No .. I think that you’re taking that a bit too too far!

They’ve only just met for heavens sake!

You know how it goes ..

Boy meets girl
Boy likes girl
Girl likes boy
Girl takes boy home
Boy kisses girl 
Girl kisses boy
Boy tries second base
Girl knocks him back
Boy tries second base
Girl knocks him back
Boy tries second base
Girl doesn’t knock him back

Its the same old story
All love and glory
It’s a pantomime 

Sometimes I wonder why do people play these games instead of just saying straight out what they want?

But would you?

With a stranger?


No I didn’t think so, only the very damaged and the very desperate fall into bed with a stranger without offering any resistance. 

That doesn’t mean people don’t.  

Good decent, honest, hard-working people like you and me. 

They just like to play a little hard to get!  

Come on, you know it!

You’re morality doesn’t let you just jump into bed with someone that you’ve just met, maybe not even on the third date or the fifth .. or .. or now you’re taking that morality a bit too far!  

But you know how it is, sometimes the occasion presents itself and you’re thinking well I like this person and it’s hopefully not a one-off so why not?

Don’t you think one-night-stands are kinda sad?

All that lust and affection with someone you find attractive then never see them again. 

What’s the point in that?

Apart from when you’re kissing a younger, intelligent, gorgeous girl, who’s breast you now have cupped in your hand and you wonder if she can feel your growing erection pressing against her tummy?

But wait … It’s only a bit of tit. 

Just because you’re holding a girls breast, doesn’t mean that you’re going to fuck her .. Right?

Oh wait, there’s the tongue! 🙂

Easter Parade?

A line of traffic comes to a standstill
For the love came out in the morning air
I find the place I started from
The wind is calling
This time I’ll follow
Easter Parade?

I know you 
Birthday cards and silent music
Paperbacks and Sunday clothes. 

Easter Parade – The Blue Nile

I first heard that song in the mid 80s,  I bought the album off the back of their fantastic uplifting danceable single Tinseltown Is In The Rain and immediately felt cheated as I found the album pretentious. 

But Easter Parade is still a fantastically haunting song,  it’s off key piano melody and the desperation of the vocal grates in a sad poignant way. 

I heard it this morning for the first time in years,  Apple Music playing in random and it’s still as haunting now as 30 years ago. 

Somehow it struck a chord. 

Been a strange week,  a family funeral and my birthday,  a strange combination of being pleased to see everyone even although the circumstances weren’t the best. 

I’m sure you’ve been there. 

Blind-Sided – 5 – Coffee?

Ellen Barkin
It’s late-o-clock and the clock strikes three.

You’re standing in the kitchen of a strange girls home, not that she’s particularly strange … it’s just that you only met a few hours before.

She’s making tea, even although it was “coffee” that she offered in the car a few minutes earlier.

You’re standing watching her move around the kitchen, pulling out cups and getting the milk from the fridge.

You’re vaguely aware that the sun is starting to rise as you can see a faint yellow glimmer on the slither of horizon visible from her window.

You’re both playing the game of will-she-won’t-she ..

When you know full well that she will.

She didn’t let you come this far so soon to just offer you coffee.


A euphemism for what?

Does it mean more, or is that a presumption on your part?

Continue reading “Blind-Sided – 5 – Coffee?”

Management By Spreadsheet?

I’m working as a consultant in a small team dealing with the upgrade of the banks complaints handling system, the data migration between the old and new systems and the management reporting.. 

It was meant to be operational last summer and not only is it late but it is also way over budget, 

I’ve been here a month, my goal is to create a Plan B, that at least allows them to switch the new system on without creating all the new reports from Business Objects, but instead create extracts from the new system to match the inputs of the old reporting system and use these as an interim solution. 

Business Objects is a decent tool if it’s used correctly, but it’s often sold with the promise that anyone can create reports and it can be passed to non-technical business users to create any reports they need just by dragging and dropping. 

But that’s a lie .. or at least an fallacy created by salesmen so that they can sell high-value tools to management who like the idea of not relying on expensive technical staff. 

It’s a lie because, in my experience and in my current role, what is delivered to the end-user is a view of all their business attributes grouped into classes, but not necessarily with the intelligence and rules 

In typical IT fashion Business Objects call this view “the universe” .. ie everything that they user can see or is interested in.   

Personally I think calling it a “universe” is bond arrogance, there then ensues conversations about “changing the universe” … aye right .. plonkers! 

The main problem in my experience is that the “universe” which provides a layer between the end-users and the technical infrastructure is not fit for purpose.   

That is exactly the case here, the end-users have been given some basic training and left to create the reports, which behind the scenes generate all sorts of complicated database queries where not enough thought or effort has been put into the design of the universe, its objects, data tables and relationships. 

In this particular case, what has been delivered by an major external consultancy, is a collection of tables and relationships, but with absolutely no intelligence. 

What they have delivered Could have been created with the universe designer tool by simply selecting the database tables of interest and dragging them into the designer. 
As a consequence of this, the end users are expected to add all of the intelligence in the reporting tool which is an extremely cumbersome task for the complex reports required. 

It’s a complete joke. 

Meanwhile in my small team, we have a project manager, a senior project manager, an operational manager, an operational team leader and 6 business users who are expected to create the reports but don’t have the necessary skills. 

The managers all have regular meetings and compare notes on the spreadsheets that they have of defects and comparisons between the old and the new reports.

Every Wednesday they have a meeting with even more senior management to discuss progress. 

Every Tuesday they come round looking for updates so they can massage the figures to make sure it looks like progress is being made. 

These people are non-technical and incapable of adding any real value, they only chase defects and expect updates. 

There is progress, I will make this work with my Plan B, but they can’t even keep the spreadsheets up to date. 

I’ve just been into a meeting where one manager was trying to do the other to express their point of view. 

It’s a complete joke. 

But heres the bottom-line … 
 … The consultancy that delivered this nonsense are on a high retainer to get it in and keep it working .. but it doesn’t and they aren’t fixing it, no-one is managing their deliverables. 

… The other consultancy I work for are charging a fortune for me to come in and create a “parallel universe” as an interim solution, which will become the final solution as that will have the intelligence needed for the final reports.. 

Personally, I make good bucks out of this and I’m back working in Glasgow and home in 20 minutes. 

Sometimes you have to shut up and go with the flow .. 

But do you ever wonder how banks survive when they can’t manage relatively small projects like this? 

The harsh or soft truth?

My brother Duncan is the straightest guy I know, hard-working, reliable, a good family man, and all-round good guy.

He’s the closest of my 4 brothers, Duncan is 18 months younger than me, we grew up together, played football together, fought together. 

My dad taught us that if you fight one then you fight us all and if one of us comes in with a bloody nose then the other one better have got involved too.

When some bigger guy bullied him at school, I walked up and punched the guy straight in the face, no argument, none of that pre-fight pushing and shoving , , just straight up and bang … put the guy on the deck and he didn’t get up. 

Last night out of the blue, Duncan got in contact to take me out for my birthday in a few weeks. 

It was good to hear from him as always and I haven’t seen him since the start of the year so it will be good to go out for dinner and a few drinks. 

Here’s the thing about Duncan .. he doesn’t tell lies .. he is very proud of that, it’s part of his personal code. 

He will tell you the truth, straight up, harsh as it is, no softening to make it easy. 

His attitude is that .. I tell the truth and if you don’t like it then that’s your problem. 

Personally I think he’s often too direct and that’s coming from me, known for my directness! 

I’ve learned over the years that telling someone the harsh truth causes resentment and sometimes its better to be diplomatic and break it gently when the circumstances necessitate. 

The thing with telling people the truth is that you are often telling them what they already know, they don’t need it thrown in their faces.   

They will often react badly because you’ve highlighted an issue, were they have been in denial, fooling themselves, but you’ve burst that bubble. 

Me and my bro .. so alike, so different. 

No reason for sharing this apart from thinking about my brother, I’m very blessed to have a big close family, even if we don’t see each other that often there’s a bond that will never break. 

And then the weirdest thing happened … #humour

It’s Friday,  finishing slightly early from work at 430 and I have the bright idea to pop into a barbers near the station in town for a quick trim.

This would save me going down to my local barbers who close at noon on a Saturday and I might struggle as I’m out drinking on Friday night.

I’d passed this place a couple of times and it was always empty,  probably because it’s up a side-street and looks a little dingey.

So I get in and there are two male barbers sitting chatting and no customers.

They look up from their conversation but don’t stand up.

“Can I have a trim please”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No” but I’m thinking there’s no one here,  why are you asking.

“Sorry but we only deal with appointments”

So I leave thinking .. good business model mate,  turning away work when you have no customers.   No wonder your shop is even dingier than it looks from the outside.

Continue reading “And then the weirdest thing happened … #humour”

Blind-Sided – Part 4

Ellen Barkin
“Her hair is hollow gold, her lips a sweet surprise …”

20 minutes later and we are parked on the street outside her driveway.

She lives 20 minutes from the city centre, just a bit further out than my place, it seemed the right thing to do offering her a run home as she is only 5 minutes drive away.

The right thing to do?

Or wanting more of those kisses?

The song continued on the radio ..

“And she’ll tease, she’ll unease you, all the better just to please you .. ”

Would you believe me when I tell you that there were no kisses on the drive and I wondered if the moment had passed?

We spoke of life, history, why she was out with these friends she barely knows, why her husband was an ex.

Even when I parked, there was no contact, she took over her seat belt and I thought she was getting ready to go.

But she turned to face me, leaning back against the door looking at me but saying nothing.

“She’s precious and she knows just what it takes to make a girl blush .. ”

It’s another moment of truth, a decision point where polite chat about enjoying the night and it was good to meet you possibly becomes something else

I’m playing it cool, going through the niceties, waiting for her to decide.

Don’t you know that its always the girl that decides?

Continue reading “Blind-Sided – Part 4”