Train Stories – Breeding?

Aye it’s that Jack Daniels ah tell ye!

Ah pure luv it!

Ah pure love it an naw!

Ma heid wiz killing me aw day seterday

Ah wiznae too bad

Ah felt terrible and a bit embarrased about eveything

Why punish yersel?

Pure steaming ah wiz as soon as I drink that Jack-D an ah cannae remember a thing!

Can you remember us snogging at that taxi rank on the Lothian Road?

Naw, the last thing I remember is cracking up wae Denzo and his mates, fecking peed in my Irn Bru.

Fecking peed in my pint tae, wee winkers, but ah done that tae them the last time.

Still no right tho is it? Ah left it to go for a Pee and when ah came back it wiz a funny colour and there wiz merr than when ah left it.

Pure raging ah wiz, drinking boatles of Bud then find oot that its only 15 pence dearer to get a pint.

Her phone rings, she looks at it but doesn’t answer

It’s ma maw, ma da wiz cheating oan her and beat her up but she still loves him

She answers

Aye there wiz, naw, naw, aye there wiz!!

Ah left it this morning before I went tae Edinburgh

Ah don’t want to sound bad but as tradition goes it’s the faither ay the pups that gets the pick of the litter.

Then why don’t you get Skye on her own and talk to her about it?

I’ll be goan straight in there efter work and putting her straight.

Ah know

Ah know



Mum ah dae know aboot dugs

Aye cos ah awready sais to them aboot it

Well if they’re no gonnae pey for the jags?

You phone the vet this morning and make an appointment.

Right mum ahm oan the train wae Sean noo

Phone goes dead, she’s staring at it.

He intervenes ..

So whit does your mum know aboot me?

Ah tell ma mum everything, everything, everything said an all oor texts

I’m thinking you’re telling the full train too.

Sean is sittng quietly, pondering, a word that he’s never actually used before, his next move

Well ahm no geing a fuck

Naw ah didnae think ye wid

So what was aw that about wae yer dug?

The dug next door shagged ma dug and noo ma dug is hivin pups, I’ve looked intae it and they get first pick but they want hauf.

Breeding you just can’t beat it.

True story, on the 8:09 from Coatbridge Sunnyside this morning heading towards Edinburgh.

She’s 23, small, fat, blonde with pink hair.

He’s 25,  quite fit, cropped hair, a worldly wise wide boy look on his face.

Apparently they work together but Friday’s work night out was their first time naked.

Isn’t modern love just so romantic!


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