Train Stories – The Sideways Lean!

He just sat across from me ..

This large fat guy, taking up the seat and a half opposite in the 4 seat booth as we hurtle towards Edinburgh.


I’m not really bothered about that,  that’s his business.

But he’s chucked his sandwich and juice on top of my folded newspaper that I’m currently reading and fully opened and spread his paper flat out across mine.

That’s just intrusive,  you Inconsiderate bastard.

Fortunately he takes the hint when I turn the page and grabs his food before it hits the floor.

The burden of getting on the train and seated seems to have exhausted him as it was his spluttering breathing which first caught my attention.

Every time he moves there’s a slobbery grunt and he really does need surgery to unblock his nasal passages as inhaling seems like an effort.

Do nasal passages clog like arteries?

He’s only mid 30s,  mid 30s for fucks sake and his beer gut is hanging over the table in front of him.

Why is it that fat blokes think that wearing black shirts with vertical stripes make them look thinner?

Well it’s not working fatty!

You just looked fucking dated.

Like a throwback to a bygone era when wearing black was cool.

But you’re not and I suspect you’ve never been.

Right here we go,  probably second breakfast of the day and it’s only just past 8am.

The bag is opened to reveal a roll and sausage, a chocolate bar and a can of diet coke and as he munches his way through them his spluttering is on maximum volume.

Diet Coke .. the irony.

Oh sorry .. I forgot .. I shouldn’t criticise when someone is making an effort ..

The spluttering gets worse as he drinks from the can,  his mouthful of food impeding his already difficult breathing.

Fortunately I’m looking out the window when the inevitable belch follows.

I’m considering reaching for my headphones but they are in my bag on the shelf above and there’s someone else now sitting on the aisle seat.

I’m trapped.

Seriously big man going to stop breathing for a while as you’re doing my head in!!

I suppose that 30 minutes until the end of the journey might be too much to ask?

Oh fuck .. now he’s doing the sideways lean …


Hope that made you laugh and you didn’t find that any of that offensive .. normally I don’t like being unkind but trust me this guy was an extreme case!

I’ve decided that I’m going to separate the individual observational stories like this one from The Platform Lovers and keep both collections more focused.

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