3am and Still awake.. feeling wired.
If I said that there was no particular reason for feeling this way, you’d know I was lying.
3am and feeling alone.
It’s not a feeling that I get very often, but sometimes it washes over you, engulfs you, drags you down.
It’s not exactly a Tsunami, but it hits you like a wave, pulling at you, attempting to break your spirit and drown you in its depths.
At this point you have a choice ..
You do, even if it’s not apparent.
You either let it drag you down and wallow in self-pity or you fight it, rise above it and break free into the clean air.
Yes, sometimes I do feel alone, I’m sure that most single people do.
We surround ourselves with friends and family and keep ourselves busy, but occasionally seeing these happy couples just emphasises the fact that you sleep alone and the emptiness creeps up behind you.
What makes it worse is that it seems endless, that you’ll be alone for ever.
But you won’t .. and neither will I.
We have to believe that.
10am and at my desk
What were the reasons for this self-pity??
I recently reopened my online dating profile, its full of the same folk out there doing their thing, or not, it seems like some people just want to talk, endless talking every time you go online they are always there .. how lonely must that be to not have a real life?
I received a couple of contacts from people I find attractive and sent a response but their gone like shadows and I wonder if they are playing games or they are just part of the machine trying to stimulate interest so that you pay a subscription.
It’s not easy putting yourself out there, exposing yourself to the world and hoping that someone loves you back.
It can get to you, your married friends won’t understand this, because they aren’t living this life.
You can put on a brave face, party on, be the life and soul, but its shallow and doesn’t fill the gap.
It would be easy to go meeting people that you weren’t really interested in, but it would be desperate, sad and wrong.
It would be a meaningless temporary fix and damaging to your self esteem .. or mine anyway .. so I won’t.
Well okay .. I might!
I’m human right? .. but I really do want more than that, there would have to be some future involved.
I count myself blessed that I have a pretty good life, a lovely family, friends old and new that I can speak with.
I’m sure you have that too, but at 3am, you’re on your own when the darkness comes.
Sometimes it just gets to you.
But its temporary, this morning, it’s gone.
Today, sitting at my desk, my last couple of days in this office before starting my new job in Edinburgh, I’m looking forward to the change.
Change what you can right?
Last night at 3am, in my gloomy mood, but as I mentioned at this point you have a choice.
Wallow in it, or change it.
At 3am, I closed down the dating thing and browsing the web came across the Ryder Cup Gala Concert.
This was announced and sold out while I was on holiday .. bummer!
I’m particularly gutted as the headline act is Nile Rodgers of Chic fame, I’ve been a Nile Rodgers fan since God knows when, danced my ass off to Chic, Sister Sledge, his collaborations with Diana Ross and David Bowie to name but a few.
I wrote about him previously here.
Fortunately, being a resourceful fellow, a few clicks and I have tickets on the 5th row .. Can’t wait!
Last night at 3am, watching the following videos on YouTube worked for me.
There really is nothing like a little good old fashioned soul to lift the gloom.
3 weeks today .. Niles is in Glasgow and I’ll be dancing my socks off.
I want your love … the trumpet at 3 mins is just fantastic .. love that
Good Times … I want to be up on the stage for this
Let’s Dance?? Bowie Classic, Guitar by Niles.
Get Lucky – Initiated by the crowd, how cool is this?
I’ve just checked the date and remembered the other reason I was feeling down last night.
4 years ago today my mum passed away.
I’d been thinking about her yesterday, dreading today, but I’m fine.
Strange how I forgot about her anniversary late last night and the other gloom came washing in.
I’ll call my dad soon and make sure he is okay.
Knowing him, he’ll say that he is fine, but will have had a wee private moment, that’s okay.
I wrote this a year ago , Finding it quite helpful now
Funny how having this blog allows me to read back at deep personal thoughts.
It’s very cathartic.