Insecurities .. dealing with other peoples is just the worst.
You care, so you pander to them, massage their feelings and manage their expectations, perhaps changing what you are to make them happy.
A little bit of change is okay, but it can drain you, cause internal resentment and ultimately destroy you.
It starts of small, they want to see you more than you have been, so you think okay. That might be good, the relationship is developing and I’d like to see you more too.
So you change your schedule, fitting them in, keeping them happy, this means being a bigger part of their lives, having dinner with their friends, spending time with their kids, watching the mind-numbingly crap tv that they like ..
Do you see where I’m coming from?
It’s all about them.
But you can live with it, part of a relationship is compromise .. right?
As long as you have your own place, your own space, time to breathe, see your pals, sit in front of the tv in your own house and do what the hell you like. .. breathe, chill, relax, be yourself.
As time goes on, she wants you there all the time … even telling you that if you don’t have your kids, then she wants you there by default.
“By default” .. how controlling is that?
Even getting out with your mates now means asking for permission in advance and when you do, she calls you, wanting to know that you’re home safe .. of course you’re home safe .. she just wants to know you’re not up to any nonsense .. perhaps judging you by her standards.
On other evenings when you don’t have your kids, the phone rings, she says, “what are you doing?”
“Nothing“ you reply knowing immediately that you’ve probably said the wrong thing.
You only said nothing, because that’s what you were doing, sitting in front of tv, browsing the web on your iPad and not giving a feck about anything .. relaxing .. nothing.
But she reads it as .. oh your doing nothing so that means you’re free to be with me .. by default.
“Do you want to come over?” and she pauses.
At this point there are 2 possible answers and you know that she’s setting you up for a fall.
Yes – means you have to go back in her zone, the one where the kids are constantly bickering, fighting, talking absolute crap, or even if she does switch to a channel that you want to watch, the kids sit there playing YouTube videos on their laptops drowning out the sound just as you wanted to hear the plot.
Sure you’ll arrive and she’ll look after you, have a beer ready. Make you welcome.
But it’s not your zone, not your world; you’d rather spend the time with your own kids, if they were around.
No – means she’ll the huff, the silent treatment, then start throwing those difficult questions over …
So why don’t you want to come over as you’re not doing anything … because I’ve been over 4 days this week already.
You don’t want the same thing from this relationship as I do .. and inside you know that she’s probably right.
And you don’t want all that hassle .. so you pander to them, you avoid the conflict.
You reply yes .. Simultaneously hating yourself for doing so.
The reality is, you don’t want to be a father figure, you do that already for your own kids.
Besides, her kids don’t want a father figure either, they are happy to be the unruly uncontrollable kids that they are, were they manipulate this poor woman by acting up if they don’t get what they want and she panders to them, spoiling them with gadgets and fashion until they appreciate nothing but have learned that acting up gets them rewards.
The only person who wants a father figure in their lives is her and to be fair they need the discipline.
But that’s not you ..
You want a steady relationship, but not where you have to be there 7 days a week.
You want a relationship were you can breathe .. not a relationship that stifles you..
It takes strength, not to allow yourself be controlled in a relationship which is good but isn’t exactly what you want.
It takes strength to speak your truth knowing that it will kill the relationship and you’ll be on your own again.
But being on your own is better than being controlled.
I found the words in the pic below, helpful, even if it’s easier to read than do.
Be strong and stay true to yourself.