The Platform Lovers – No Kisses?

Charles kissed each of the kid’s goodnight, promising that he’d take them to Disneyland in the summer holidays then popped next door to check on Michelle.

He could hear their excited shrieks as he walked along the hallway and entered the master bedroom maybe that was a bad idea to mention the holiday right before lights out.

Michelle was propped up on a couple of pillows reading and didn’t look up when he entered the room.

He hated her glasses and the way she tied her hair up at night. It’s not like the movies he frequently watched downstairs after everyone else was in bed.

You’ve probably saw the story a thousand time, where the boss takes of his secretary’s glasses and she shakes her hair free morphing from staid spinster to sexy temptress, then they fuck like rabbits over his desk.

If she was slim with long dark hair like that new girl in the office Monica then it was even better, there was just something about that Mediterranean look that just did it for Charles,  He liked woman of all kinds, he loved their attention and closeness but long dark hair and a shapely figure just worked for him.

For a minute, he thought about making an approach, sitting down beside her, starting a conversation, attempt to generate some interest, if he was really lucky they might have sex.

He’d even settle for a grudged compensatory hand-job if it was that time of the month, as long as he got to finish over her breasts.

But then she looked up, and her faced said No.

Well it didn’t, it actually said fuck right off and don’t even think about coming anywhere near me.

“What are you reading” he asked, his brain telling him that feigning some sort of interest might get him laid.

“It’s the new Dan Brown book” Michelle replied barely looking up.

“Oh, is it any good?” He’d read a few Dan Brown books and found them entertaining even if the plot was pretty obvious, from the start.

There was a common thread, a handsome hero, and a gorgeous understatedly sexy yet virtuous heroine. They are both highly intelligent with interesting jet-setting careers. Some calamitous event occurs or has to be prevented and the perpetrator identified.

After you’ve read one you realise that they are written to a formula,  The twist is always that the bad guy was there from the start, pretending he was good guy hiding in the Vatican or pretending to be a willing aid in the search for the Holy Grail, but organising their fiendish plans in the background.

Charles liked that, the secret hidden in public view, because who would look there? It reminded him that the best way to tell a lie was between two truths.

Tell your audience what they know is true, slide in the lie, something they can’t actually disprove, then back it up with another known truth. Even if they don’t fully believe you, they can’t disprove you and the psychologists would tell you that the cognitive dissonance caused by the deceptive sandwich is minimised as the brain accepts the two known facts and assumes that the lie is true.

Think about that for second, particularly watching politicians, when they are preaching a pre-prepared statement, justifying going to war, or putting armed police on the streets.    Who do you think wrote that?  the politician themselves or are they just the mouth piece?   

They lie to us. They are experts at it, they have teams of highly trained backroom staff to construct these statements. They play on our humanity, our sense of fairness, sliding tin the big lie between facts that we know to be true and they never ever tell us their real motives.

Watch a certain female Scottish Politician with a particularly bad hair do,  Every time she makes the statement and lies she involuntarily nods her head to enforce the lie exerting that its truth, but it’s not, it may be half truth, but its not hard fact,  its an opinion cobbled together to justify a pre-determine conclusion and she knows it.

“It’s okay” Michelle replied “Not as good as Angels and Demons or the Da Vinci Code and seems a bit obvious even although the setting is different”

“I’d though that too, I enjoyed the settings, the background of Rome or Paris, even Rosslyn Chapel, but the plot was pretty thin”

Michelle actually half smiled,  maybe he’d touch a memory of their troop to Rome or Rosslyn  “Yes, I can tell how this is going to end and I’ve only read 4 chapters”

Charles smiled and said goodnight, smiling as he closed the bedroom door behind him.  

Maybe she was catching on to the plot after all, even if it took her a little longer.

The real reason that Charles read Dan Brown books, wasn’t because of their entertainment value, it was so that he could communicate with the females that he met online, it gave him a common basis for discussion, demonstrated that he was a culturally aware, sensitive man who may be on the same wavelength as them.

Yeah yeah, whatever you think doll!

Fact is that was the level of most people he met online, popular culture wasn’t popular for nothing. You had to have a common interest, something to discuss, whether it was books or music, or even bloody hill-walking, you had to create the impression of having something in common even if you couldn’t actually care less.

The name of the game was having fun, ticking boxes, adding to his collection of stolen female underwear, notching his headboard and boosting his ego along the way, that was the goal, how he got there was irrelevant. If that meant reading up and investing time and effort in popular culture then so be it.

A couple of years ago on holiday, he’d even tried to read the 50 Shades books, but gave up after the first few chapters.

Well that’s not actually true, he’d gave up reading after the first few chapters then fast forwarded trying to find the juicy parts, But even these were disappointing and he wondered what the fuss was about.

It didn’t stop Michelle reading them, over the two week holiday she read every line and it has to be said that their sex life improved for a while, well as far as it could with the two kids sleeping in the other double bed in the room, but if only she knew what he really liked.

Charles flipped the tv through the channel browser settling on some light porn sex show, he found entertaining, it’s always interesting to know how the rest of the world get their kicks and there is some bizarre stuff out there, he had a pretty open mind and was open to some experimentation, but no matter how he thought about it, he just didn’t get the PVC bodysuits with gas masks or the grown men dressed as babies, what’s that all about?

He started the laptop and opened a beer while it booted up, Then took out his old mobile from the case and turned it on, waiting for the signal to kick in and any messages to silently arrive.

A second phone, pay as you go with no statements of accounts and call or message history was mandatory in this game. He couldn’t have some crazy female calling him up at 2am because she wanted to talk or was pissed off that he hadn’t returned her calls, he couldn’t have Michelle wondering why his phone pinged during the night and he always left his main phone unlocked, even although he knew that Michelle liked a sneaky read every time he was in the shower.

The message started coming in as he logged on to Windows and started up his POF session. Online dating, free, anonymous, zero traceability, create as many accounts as you want and the source for all kinds of shenanigans, no place for the gullible.

There are some tough lessons to be learned out there if you aren’t careful.

Charles picked up the mobile, two messages from Carla, 38, small blonde, perky breasts and a good sense of humour, they had dated a few times and then enjoyed a nice couple of naked hours at his flat last night before she had to head home and let the babysitter get away.

5pm – “Hiya how are you, was great to see you last night, Hope you’re having a good day xxx          ps did you steal my thong?  :-)”

9pm – “Haven’t heard from you, is everything okay? Xxx”

Attentive, friendly but slightly desperate. She’s clearly concerned that now they’ve got naked he is going to disappear into the horizon. She was definitely on the hook.

“Hey you,  I’m good thanks, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, had a busy day at work and fell asleep when I got home. X”

One kids, always, 3 kisses for Michelle,

Charles like Carla, in fact, she was fun and open. He liked mums with younger kids and absent husbands, listen to their woes, spend a little cash on them and they’d show you their appreciation in more ways than one. Carla wasn’t the brightest, but she was good fun.

The other text was from Fiona. They’d been chatting for a few weeks and she was a work in progress, they’d hadn’t met yet, He was playing it cool, showing an interest, getting to know her a little but not arranging to meet, not because he didn’t want to meet her, he just didn’t have the time.

POF opened up with his list of mail, a couple of messages from people that he was chatting with and a couple of new messages asking why he didn’t display a pic.

Seriously? If you’re asking at least you suspect you are talking a chance so why are you even bothering?

He opened up both profiles, what his mates at the golf club would call “munthers”. He didn’t know exactly what it meant, but it just sounded horribly descriptive.

Yeah, ugly and desperate, you have to be, why would you contact someone when you couldn’t see their pic? Seriously, you really really need to be desperate. Any woman on an online dating sites is usually inundated with responses and has to fight of the chancers with a shitty stick. So for a female to be contacting him with no picture, she probably contacted every other dude .. or dud? .. that could string a half-hearted romantic sentence together,

Puglinesss was guaranteed and he was correct as predicted.

He deleted both messages and blocked their profiles.   Thats the rules and the rules always apply.  

Similarly, do not correspond with anyone that doesn’t have a pic, yes I know they say that they have a job in the public eye or that they’ve had a recent bad relationship.

Bollocks, if they aren’t up front then they aren’t being up front. If they were even reasonable looking he might have replied and seen where the conversation led, but not today. 

The other messages were from people that he already knew, that knew the game, they’d been on here for years, not even changing their picture in the years since he had joined.   These gals were the female equivalent of himself and didn’t want a relationship and weren’t fooled easily, because they’d already met every kind of chancer online. They were usually good for a laugh exchanging stories of recent encounters.

All of humanity at its absolutely filthiest worst, he loved it.

He didn’t even bother opening the messages, he’d do that later when he wanted a bit of chat.  Maybe a little web-cam fun with one of the girls,  he liked that,   so did she,  what harm was done?

But business first.

POF has a couple of pages that he used more frequently than the others, the matching part was rubbish, it was purely based on age and location within 1000 miles he skipped that.

The Meet Me part was fun, flipping through profiles looking for suitable candidates, clicking Yes or No to whether you’d like to meet them or not. Always good for spotting new chicks and sometimes generated an interest.

The Search function, criteria based on age, looks. children, smoker, pets, interests was pretty useful although he didn’t see the point of the attractiveness level search even Anne Widdecombe would have hers set as attractive..

As for, body shape, you are having a laugh, have you seen it? There are a few different options available ..

  • Slim .. yeah okay, nice tits and you’re in.
  • Athletic .. Oh Yes, but as above.
  • About Average .. this is a reasonable self aware woman saying that she’s womanly, a certain age carrying a few extra pounds, he could live with that.
  • A few extra pounds ..unless they were gullibly honest with esteem issues this meant a lot of extra pounds .. FAT.
  • Curvy .. again sounds fantastic, but you really need to be gullibly honest, nope your FAT.
  • BBW .. well you’re actually SUPER-FAT .. but at least your honest about it, each to their own.

Thank fuck I’m perfect, he smiled and selected the New Users option.

New Users was always a good source of the recent divorcee or female just having come through a relationship and finding her feet, they were usually hesitant, unsure of the environment and rightfully so, but at least they weren’t damaged by the site or what modern dating of a certain age had become.    Cynical people were more careful,  less open to suggestion and a bit of casual romance.

Modern relationships had become dispensable, if you weren’t happy, you could walk away, just send a text and get back online and meet someone else. It was that simple.

He knew that he was wrong, using this as a crutch providing some light relief from Michelle and her coldness.

He even questioned if he had become addicted, although he liked these woman, most of them really meant very little to him apart from their time together, there was no future plans, no long term investment, he never really gave himself and he didn’t expect them to give their hearts either.

He’d had his fun, made his bed, but was wanting out, perhaps the new girl at the office would give him enough of an impetus to actually make the change, maybe not, but he had to for himself. Just not yet, not until he had all of his business plans in place. Until then, he’d play his part of husband and father.

Charles browsed through the new profiles, nope, nope, nope, yep, he clicked on the profile, CountryGirl2805, slim, dark, smiley faced, he flipped to her next pic,  nice tits too,  smallish, proportionate but with a bit of body about them.  All good,  good enough to read what she had to say for herself,  She’s obviously a newbie and daft enough to include her date of birth in her userid, beginners mistake.

He read the drop down first, single, professional but not saying, no income statement no children and a non smoker, Bonus the last thing he wanted to do was come home smelling of smoke.

The more interesting part is in what someone has to say for themselves, can they put a sentence together, text speak was a strict no, constant use of LOL or smiley’s were annoying but he’d live with it if the girl was this pretty.

Thankfully there weren’t She was recently separated and new to dating, liked Italian and long walks in the country. She was hoping to meet a good honest man for friendship building to a relationship with the right person.

Jeez, it always amazed how most newbies said the same thing, because isn’t that what everyone wants? Woman who had been on a little longer usually had a disclaimer, no chancers, liars or married men, as if that every stopped anyone ,, oh I’m married .. okay then I better scroll on by!

He expected that she’d already be overwhelmed by the attention, plenty of “hiya” emails or one liners. The trick when speaking with a newbie is not to dive in, just be yourself, interesting and empathetic, never pushy, flash or arrogant and certainly not insulting or desperate, pushing in usually pushes away.

He went to his profile and turned his pictures on, they were only every visible when he was online and looking..

“Hi there,


I’ve just saw your profile and think you look lovely. We have a few things in common, I like walks in the country too and Italian is my favourite food,. Have you ever been to Italy? I loved my trips to Rome and Tuscany and would like to go more often.


I’ve been separated for a year now and will be divorced soon I’m so glad to have everything signed and have recently bought my own flat which I’m currently decorating, are you any good with interior design?


I notice that you like reading Dan Brown? What was your favourite book of his?

Anyway, I’ll keep this short for now as I’m sure that you’ll have lots of messages, but hope to hear from you soon.


Gordon x”

He went back to the messages that were waiting for him, a couple of stories and replied lightly as usual. By the time he got back to looking at his inbox there was a reply from CountryGirl2805

“Hi Gordon,


Good to hear from you, sounds like you are much further down the divorce line than I am, although I have just agreed the financial settlement and I’m keeping the family home. We were married a long time but thankfully we don’t have any children.


I’ve never actually been to Italy, but it’s on my to-do list.    I really like to do the Angels and Demons tour.


Where you there on business or pleasure?


Where do you like going walking? It’s been a while if I’m honest but thinking of buying a dog so that it forces me to get out there.


Have you been online long?


Carol Ann”

He smiled, she seemed open and genuine, maybe a little too honest and no kisses, he liked that.


Probably the seediest thing I’ve written,  but gonna get worse soon!

Well the seediest since I last wrote about Charles,

The search bar on the side will give you the Charles story.





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