Carol Ann missed John like …
A – A hole in the head?
B – The deserts miss the rain
C – Crazy?
D – All of the above?
The honest answer was D, she had been through all of these emotion in cycles over the past few months, sometimes putting on a brave face or a stiff upper lip, showing the world her determination to get on with her life without him.
But the truth was, at night, tucked up in what used to be their bed alone she couldn’t sleep thinking about him and she missed him.
There you have it, she missed him, hated him, but still missed him, cried for him, longing for his presence in the bed beside her, his warm breathe against her neck and his arm flopping over her side.
In her weaker moments, she wanted everything to go back to the way they used to be. The way things were before he had his affair with Aileen and subsequent liaison, falling pregnant and leaving her to be with his unborn baby.
At times she understood why he had the affair, but then she would tell herself that there were no excuses, no justification for cheating on her, even if he had been tempted. John had crossed the line, simple as that, it was over, well it should be.
The reality was that he was gone, moved in with Aileen, he was already getting on with his life and so should she.
She told herself that she should put on the brave face, keep her chin up and her tears dry, putting a mask on to the outside world smiling and telling them that she was doing fine.
But she still missed him.
She was afraid to tell her best friends Lesley and Veronica about her feelings. She had told them about what had happened, about the affair, about the pregnancy, but she didn’t tell them how much she missed him.
“Bastard” they called him, nothing but a dirty cheating slimy bastard, Lesley even stating that she had never really liked John which only confused Carol Ann because often they seemed very close, how can you put up a front like that and not really like someone?
Lesley and Veronica were good friends, doing what good friends do, not pushing her into anything else, just being there to listen, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, sitting in the kitchen eating antipasti selections from Marks and Spence and putting her world to rights.
But it was all theory, people never really know what you are thinking and how you really feel.
Have you ever been there?
Knowing that the person that you love has moved on, maybe they have hurt you by their actions, maybe just leaving you was hurt enough. You put on that brave face and you try to get on, but despite all the platitudes from friends, telling you that you’re better off out without them, you still want them and would roll the clock back if you could.
I have, it hurts, aches, like a part of you has been surgically removed, your head says one thing and your heart says another as logic battles with emotion in the fight for your soul.
It’s traumatic, if you want to lose weight quickly .. somehow arrange for your partner to leave suddenly for no fault of your own .. I bet you lose half a stone in the first week!
But all that turmoil doesn’t get you anywhere .. right?
One night at 4am you realise that the only person awake in this relationship is you .. do you hear me? The only person awake in this relationship, torturing yourself and stopping yourself from functioning normally is you .. so STOP It.
Carol Ann couldn’t sleep at night, every night. She couldn’t function but thankfully her work understood and she could take as much time as she needed.
It was like being stuck in a bad dream, Groundhog Night, she played the same things over in her head, snippets of arguments, comments that he made and tried to make sense of them, if there was a hidden meaning that she had missed at the time.
She wondered if she could have done anything better?
If she had been sexier or more attentive, made the effort for him, then maybe he wouldn’t have left her?
They had been together so young, they had a health sex life, but it wasn’t the biggest thing in their life’s, she wondered if that’s why he left, because Aileen did something for him that she didn’t, that he had desires that she hadn’t cater for?
But despite all that inner conflict and self–doubt, the outcome was the same, he was gone, lying in Aileen’s bed less than half a mile from here.
Carol Ann closed her eyes and told herself that she had to get on with her life.
This is a follow on to the following chapter from her husbands point of view.
The 5 stages of grief .. Denial, Anger Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance .. whether it’s the death of a loved one or the breakup of a long-term relationship, we all go through them.
If we understand them I reckon that it helps.