I hate the gap …
The gap between losing the person you love and finding someone new.
I’m not talking about losing someone that you’ve only just met, I’m talking about losing someone that you really felt was a part of you.
You fall out for some stupid reason, maybe it was your fault and for some reason you don’t want to apologise or in my case their fault resulting in time spent in angst and agony waiting for an apology that doesn’t come.
The worst part is those early days, when you’re never further than 2 feet from your mobile waiting for it to ring and you constantly check your emails just in case they’ve put their thoughts down in detail.
If you have facebook then you’re checking their updates, knowing full well that they are checking yours!
You haven’t blocked each other yet .. so there must be some hope .. right?
Worse .. they are putting up posts that she’s having a good time .. but are they really or is it all part of the game called I’m-not-missing-you-at-all?
But there’s nothing .. facebook silence .. it’s a waiting game. ..
You’ve played this game of relationship-poker before .. she knows it’s a game, you know it .. but who will blink first?
First to blink is inevitably a loser … even if you win her back you lose face if you back down first.
But .. love hurts and pride gets you nowhere .. so you ask yourself .. does the fault matter?
Does it really??
In my case it didn’t, it was stooopid .. but after a long list of stoooopid it was enough.
I wasn’t backing down this time .. not this time .. she knows she was out of order and if she can’t apologise for this then she never will and that’s a game anyone in a relationship can’t afford to lose.
Losing that game, means you become subservient, not sexually, but to the tempers and tantrums of your other half who can’t apologise for even the smallest things and you have to carry the can.
Thats not really me … If I’m wrong I say I’m wrong and if I’m right I don’t blab on about it and graciously accept the apology offered.
Maturity has taught me that there’s nothing to gain in winning every battle and even less gain in gloating as it only causes resentment.
But maturity has also taught me that some battles you have to win or you lose the war in the long run.
So you wait but the call doesn’t come .. the battle is lost, the war is over, you’ve both gone your separate ways.
Don’t you hate it?
Falling out about something that stupid?
But the gap gets longer and even when the hurting stopped, you still miss them because they were part of you.
So here we are, in the gap.
Start looking for someone new, meeting people that you aren’t really interested in, coffee dates and quick drinks?
What next .. It would be easy to play the game of feigned interest, but that would be playing with someone else’s emotions and that’s not me and it’s not what I want.
But the clock is ticking and that gap is getting longer.
Your brain says don’t back down, don’t look back even if you feel like it.
But that’s what my heart yearns for now .. Love and Pride!