He saw her again today.
He timed it, 15 minutes and then her profile disappeared from the site.
She was obviously messing around with her image and visibility settings, making herself visible, attracting some iinterest, confident that he was on the road, heading home.
Confident that he wouldn’t see what she was up to.
But not tonight.
It had been a strange night, making dinner together, sitting there, trying to play nice, keeping a smile on his face when all the time his inner voice wanted to scream .. “What the fuck are you doing back online?”
They hadn’t even made love, they hadn’t even even attempted to sneak a quicky upstairs.
Pretending to her kids that he was going upstairs to look at her new dress .. her undress more like.
But even the kids weren’t that stupid. Of course they knew.
On a couple of occasions, there was that small voice from the bedroom when the younger one had walked in to see his mum.
Lame excuses on muffled noices from the ensuite and the sounds of fumbled clothing.
Then she’d rush out saying that she was using the loo. Ignoring the little ones quizzical looks about why the two of them were in the bathroom.
He remembered those early days, that first kiss, uncertain if she would find him attractive, uncertain if they would have any of that elusive chemistry and uncertain if there would be a second date.
That seemed so long ago now, 20 months.
20 months of love and joy, some ups and downs like everybody else as they knocked off the rough edges.
19 months ago, just after they’d slept together for the first time, that weekend away in Edinburgh, just 40 minutes from Glasgow, but like another world where the streets were unfamiliar and everything was new, from the bars to her breasts.
They’d lay in bed, both logged into the dating site and simultaneously closed their accounts, laughing and glad that they’d found each other.
And now, he’s sitting in his car parked round the block from her house, safely out of sight, spying on her electronically.
He hated himself for doing it, hated himself for being so weak and avoiding the confrontation.
Friends close, enemies closer he thought ..
Get your pieces in place before you play for a check-mate.
Trying to stay focussed and calm while simultaneously blocking out the screams from his inner rage .. Yeah yeah, bollocks, just tell the bitch .. tell her to get to fuck.
He’d not been sleeping lately, he could feel the distance between them growing, This was making it worse, it was self-fulfilling in smaller circles as the decay set in.
The anxiety of making the right decision was keeping him awake.
When he left hers tonight, he was consciously taking his time, dragging his heels wanting to say more, then parting with a hug and a peck, how bad can it be?
The hug was cold and she barely held her arms around him and although they had smiled there was no warmth in her eyes and he thought that they both knew it was almost over.
What happend to all that passion?
What happened to lust and not being able to keep your hands off each other?
He had only stumbled upon this secret knowledge by accident, accidentally clicking on the website, then wondering if she had a membership.
That was 4 weeks ago, 4am browsing because he couldn’t get back to sleep. It had been a difficult weeekend.
He didn’t actually expect there to a response when he keyed her email address into the password reset account.
But there it was in a big blue dialogue box “An email containing your password reset request has been sent”
He stared at it in disbelief .. no .. it can’t be? She can’t be online .. not now, not after all they had been through.
He keyed it in again and the message was the same.
His nerves fired, 1am and he should be relaxing but every synapse is firing in his shredded mind.
He wants to call her, but knows that would be crazy .. it’s late, she got kids .. don’t be stupid.
Don’t be so stupid.
Why has she signed up to this? Whats went wrong with them? When did that happen?
His sensible side kicked in and he created an account, then searched for her, but he couldn’t see her, she was clever enough to stay invisible, hiding her profile from his eyes .. but why have a profile at all?
He’d been looking for her at random times of the day, at work, sitting on his mobile because he couldn’t access the site on the office network.
The following evening after they’d had a late night call and he said that he was going to sleep. She said she was tired too and she’d speak to him in the morning.
But she seemed rushed and in too much of a hurry to get away.
He could feel her desperation, he knew that this was the time.
He logged on to his profile and it didn’t take long to find her .. smiling in her photo , even one that they had taken on that week in Ibiza.
He added her as a favourite and filled out his profile to attract her, idealsed himself to what he perceived she wanted, made himself more interesting and waited to see what would happen next.
An hour later she disappeared.
He sent her an email, “Hi there, I’ve just enjoyed reading your profile and thought I’d say hello, let me know if you are interested and want to know more. X”
He waited for days, not knowing of she’d read his attempt at contact .
He agonised, he couldn’t stop thinking about her.
That weekend they were out for dinner, her mum watching the kids and then back at hers, making love in front of the tv, keeping the noise low so as not to wake her num or the kids upstairs, his head spinning, wondering if she had met anyone yet.
He came inside thrusting hard, a hateful bittter fuck and he hated hiself for it.
“Are you okay” she asked, holding him and pulling his head into her breasts.
“I’m fine, just a bit tired, its been a long week” and he kissed her, holding himself above her looking at her eyes, looking for a sign, something that gave her heart and thoughts away, then wondering if this was the last time he would see that sparkle.
“Whats up” she asked, confusion in eyes.
“I just wanted to look at you” and he smiles knowing that he loves her, that he always loved her.
The past few days they’d been back to normal living their separate lives, working and looking after their kids.
Tonight was “nice” .. nice, an insipid meaningless word .. average, bland, forgettable.
Kind of like the evening although he felt that this evening would be anything but.
He hit the refresh icon on the browser for the 100th time, this would be his last before he started the car and took the 20 minute journey home.
She would be expecting a call or a text from him to let her know he was home safely.
But there it was the email, one message in his in box and from her.
Note to reader, totally made this up . had a bit of a downer of a weekend, then heard this song on my iphone.
Love it, but it is so sad!