She had cried most of the night, tried to sleep then rolled over and started crying again.
She knew that she’d been stupid and not just once, just how stupid can one girl be?
She was agonising, telling herself that at her age she should know better, but she thought she was past that stage and that it wouldn’t happen for her even if she had tried.
It had only been once, once for fucks sake.
She tells herself that isn’t exactly true. They’d only had unprotected sex on one occasion but they had managed to do it twice before he called a cab and headed for home.
This had been a one-off, drunken night months after their affair had ended. He’d been so careful before then, making sure that he wore condoms and even washing himself before he made his excuses to leave her and go back to his wife.
How degrading was that?
Washing himself after making love to her, like she was some piece of meat that he had just met, even although they had been seeing each other for months.
She hated him for that, hated the fact that she had allowed herself to become involved with a married man, even although he had never lied to her or made any false promises.
Actually, that’s not true.
He had lied to her, he’d told her that he was separated, but he and his wife were living in the same house because it wasn’t selling in the current market but they were living separate lives.
Yes, they were living separate life’s, but just because their relationship was loveless doesn’t mean they were actually separated. There had been no effort to go through a legal process, no effort to break-up or change the status quo.
She knew it at the time, she had been fooling herself and should have spotted the signs sooner than she had.
If he was genuinely separated then why did he never stay the night with her? Why couldn’t they go away for the weekend? Why the hell was he washing his cock every time they had sex?
Cleanliness? Yeah right! The lying cheating bastard.
She felt that she was a second-class citizen in his world. He was happy to be with her when it suited him, but as soon as his wife expected him to be there then she was dropped like last nights underwear.
Eventually it had been too much to bear; she couldn’t stand the lies and wasting her life waiting for him to be able to escape for a few hours.
She had to get out of it, being part of the affair was breaking her own moral standards and the internal conflict was tearing her apart.
She had missed him, ached for him. She’d spent nights on her own, crying on the phone to her friends, needing to open up then feeling that she was boring them senseless with the same story going round in loops for hours at a time.
Of course they were happy to listen, that’s what friends are for, there were no moral judgements, we have all made mistakes, telling her that she was better off out of it and better to be alone than unhappy.
All the usual clichés that didn’t help in the slightest.
In the days after the break-up, he had called her and promised her that he would leave, which she didn’t believe. She didn’t want to be anyone’s escape mechanism. So she told him that didn’t want him leaving his wife to be with her.
She had agonised on this and told him that she didn’t want him running to her, then running away from her as soon as he realised that the grass isn’t always greener.
He had begged and pleaded and asked what he had to do to make her believe him.
So she told him that he should leave his wife because that relationship is dead and after he has left and is living on his own then to get in touch and they could possibly give it another go if they were both free and available.
But in the meantime she wanted no further contact from him.
When she told her friends that about this, they had been supportive and almost proud of her. Some of them had been in similar situations since their own marriage break-ups, but had weakened and then been caught in a yo-yo situation never knowing quite were they stood and inevitably getting hurt in the process.
This made her even more determined that she wouldn’t be someone else’s crutch and that she would see it through were her other friends had weakened.
It got easier as the weeks went past, her friends had laughed when she told them about hiding in the bedroom scared to move when he had turned up at her door one morning unexpectedly, obviously on his way to work knowing that she wouldn’t have left yet.
At times like these, you need your friends, it’s something that you realise in life, that relationships will come and go but good friends are there forever.
But now lying in the darkness, she wondered what they would think of this new dilemma.
She had told them about meeting John on the train home after the concert, both of them full of the joys having saw two of their favourite bands at the SEC. Journey, Foreigner and STYX, although neither of them were really interested in STYX.
A love of music was something that they both had in common and if she was honest with herself, the thought had crossed her mind that she might bump into him at the concert but she hadn’t expected to walk on to the east-bound platform and find him standing there.
She wasn’t quite prepared for that, but she was pleased to see him they chatted like old friends. They were old friends. It had been months since they saw each other and although there were no hello-kisses she could still feel the attraction between them.
The train arrived and seemed to take no time to get from the Exhibition Centre through Glasgow Central on to Cambuslang. They had chatted, laughed and even agreed that the finale had been worth waiting for and who knows when they’d get to see these aging rock heroes again.
At Cambuslang, they walked up the ramp to the ticket office where they would normally take their separate exits to walk their short journeys home.
In the not-so-distant past on their journey home from work, they would kiss and go their separate ways, having done all their talking on the train. But tonight, the night seemed to young to go home.
So they stood inside the exit chatting, close but no physical contact. She could feel his presence around her. Her senses were heightened and it was as if she expected his arms around her, to hold her and tell her that he missed her.
She had to tell herself that she didn’t want that, that anything between them was over.
A few minutes later, the station-master asked them if they would mind moving outside as the last train had gone and the station was being closed for the night.
So why did she find herself asking him if he wanted a coffee?