Christmas – Forgiveness And Redemption!

Call me sad or old fashioned .. but I still believe that Christmas is special and anything can happen.

Christmas kind of makes people do funny things, out of character things, deal with things that have played at the backs of their minds and makes them try and right the wrongs they’ve done.

I love the book A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, we watched the movies every year. The old scary black and white victorian versions, newer hollywood versions with George C Scott or comedy versions with Bill Murray.

Its the Scrooge moment, where you realise that you’ve been wrong and
make that call, ( although probably better if you send a text or an email ) l and even if you don’t fix something thats broken, you at least admit you’ve been wrong. You at least let the person you care about know that you fucked up and you are sorry about it.

Maybe the other party won’t care .. maybe they’ve moved on. But at
least they will know you’ve learned something.

I’ve made mistakes and errors of judgement. I know I have, I’ve paid for it. Hopefully learned from it too.

My penance is the loneliness that I suffer right now. This is without doubt the worst time of year to be on your own. All those happy families on tv. Just slaps you right in the kisser.

But I believe in redemption, I believe that people can learn and change their ways.

So should you.

You don’t always have to forget, but you should always forgive.

What’s that line about hate the sin but love the sinner?

Of course, real life isn’t Hollywood, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you should change your mind and everyone lives happily ever after.

It just means that you know they learned something, that they didn’t
wrong you without caring, that they accept it was wrong and even if they suffer the consequences you can appreciate that they made a mistake.

Apologies should be offered openly without ulterior motives and taken in the spirit it was intended.

Right enough!

On Fridays I normally write something upbeat and positive about the weekend. But I don’t really feel that way right now.

Whatever you are doing. Have a great time. Hug your kids and if you are lucky enough to have someone special in your life then tell them that you love them and appreciate them for who they are.

Christmas – I Just Can’t Win!

Do you ever feel that you can’t win?

That no matter what you do to make it nice, things go against you?

Christmas, my favourite time of year, I like to make it special, but in recent years no matter what I do, things never seem to go to plan.

I was expecting my daughter Laura 22 to come in and meet me at 5 last night and we’d go shopping straight from work.

But she texts me at 5:20 just as I’m leaving the office saying whats happening? She lives 10 miles away and it would take 40 minutes in the rush hour to get here.

So I arranged to meet her and my son Steven 23 at The Fort shooping centre and went home to get changed and a quick bite to eat .. although I had been hoping to take hem for dinner .. that was the first disappointment.

Home, caught in the rain from the train to the house .. a drowned rat .. I call her up and say lets go to Silverburn instead, as its indoors rather than open air like The Fort.

But my son does his dinger, he doesn’t want to go to Silverburn as he knows too many people there and I’ll ask too many questions.

I’m like whit? .. get a grip .. I’d only ask cos I care .. so what have you got to be embarrassed about.

But he says he doens’t want to go shopping with Laura and get dragged
round girls shops and takes the huff and the conversation didn’t end well.

So I made tea, gave it 10 minutes and took a deep breath and called him back, explained that its Christmas and I don’t often get the chance to spend time with all of my 3 kids and was looking forward to seeing them altogether,

So we met at Silverburn, Steven and Laura got there earlier than Claire and I.

It went well, we had some laughs and we split up at times and the girls went to one shop and us boys went to another, or I went with the girls and Steven went scouting for what he wanted.

It was nice, they each got completely new outfits including winter jackets and boots, jeans and jumpers.

Job done and 3 happy kids.

As we are leaving, big hugs and winding Laura up as she isn’t very
huggy. So I was making sure that I gave her lots of over the top embarrassing hugs, She was making faces but was laughing too and tell me that I’m embarrassing her .. good I says, thats part of my job .. besides its payback.

But I say to them, what are we doing Christmas Day, its my turn to have you lot over on Christmas Eve and for dinner .. and what happens .. they are going to spend it with their mum and pop over during the day for a couple of hours.

I’m gutted .. seriously upset about it .. I just can’t win.

What am I dong tonight .. going shopping to buy surprises for them ..
can’t have them not getting surprises on the day .. and I need to fill up their stockings.

But I’m upset .. its going to be another Christmas spent largely on my own and last Christmas was particularly fecking miserable and I’ve got to tell you that as I write this .. sitting at my desk in the far corner of a busy office .. I have a smidgeon of a tear in my eye and I’m not even ashamed about it.

No wonder they say that Christmas is the loneliest time of year.

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A pic of my kids at the millennium. Where did that go?

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Part 21 – Perfect Man Or Problem Child?

What do you do when you love someone but you don’t want to tell them?

Maybe you should ask yourself why you don’t want to tell them?

My reasons are simple and complex. I’m scared. It’s as simple as that.

I am scared that although we have deep feelings for each other that he won’t be here forever and I don’t want to commit to something that may not last.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy and we are so close and support each other in all that we do. Those worries I had in the early days about getting in too deep, too soon have long gone.

He’s attractive, kind and caring, very generous and without doubt, the sexiest, horniest man I have ever known. Not just in what we do but how he makes me feel.

As someone on his blog said ‘he’s the campest red-blooded alpha male they know!

Interesting comment and quite accurate too. I have no idea who that woman is, he says it’s someone that he used to go out with. She obviously knows him pretty well.

I’ve never asked him about her, its none of my business, I don’t want to know, but being camp and alpha-blooded are barely consistent and so very him. She obviously knows him much deeper than surface level and has passed through those early days where you don’t completely show yourself until you are confident in the other person accepting you for what you are.

Of course, we’ve discussed it, laughed about it, he knows that’s what he’s like, totally male, hard on the outside and soft on the inside, but in touch with his feminine side.

His camp side is just for laughs and I know how confident he is in his own masculinity that he doesn’t really care what people think and if anything enjoys playing up to their insecurities.

He’s very comfortable in his own skin, I really like that about him, even although he says he wasn’t always like that and was so insecure when he was growing up and never really been the most self-confident person especially where meeting women are concerned. I don’t really understand that, but he says he’s shy until he gets to know someone.

Shy? Who’s he kidding!

He’s confident., outgoing, He’s been gregarious with my friends and when I’m with him I feel free. I can do or say anything and I know he will respond and go along with it for fun.

In the bedroom, he’s soft but dominant, he likes to take control, but loves to give pleasure. We’ve played out some of our fantasies recently and I’m enjoying what we do and trust him completely as I know that he’d never hurt me.

It’s the same outside the bedroom, I always feel safe when I’m with him, I know he’d put himself in harms way for me, he’s done so on one occasion in a club when a mass brawl broke out. He pulled me away from the trouble, put himself in between and got me out of there as soon as possible. I just know that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me while I was around.

I trust him completely and I feel secure in our relationship and I know that he’s not looking to meet anyone else and neither am I.

So my issues aren’t with him at all, Its that relationships at our age just aren’t as simple as when we were young and I just don’t see how it can work, I really don’t.

As he’s got to know my kids, there have been lots of issues, at various points one likes him and the others don’t or one doesn’t and the others do, I’ve had them complain about me spending too much time away from them, even when I’m away with work or have a night out with the girls, its as if they blame him for taking me away from them.

I’ve sat down with the boys, reassured them, told them that no-one would ever take the place of their dad, that he doesn’t want to be their dad as he has kids of his own. They see how well he does with younger daughter who lives with him and they’ve met on many occasions. They even like his son who they met a few times and how close they are as a family.

He is getting on great with David and Max, playing football with Max on occasion or talking to David about music and even jamming together on the guitar and piano. David can be hard work at times, he’s deliberately caused trouble, been provocative, trying to wind him up. I know how difficult it must be for him to retain his composure and bite his tongue. But he has.

The closest it has came to getting physical was when David lost it one day and was pushing me around letting me know that he was bigger and stronger than me and could beat be if it became physical, which it didn’t, not really. But I was really upset and called him about it, when he arrived later he asked David to come outside. Now David is a big lad, plays rugby for the school, but his face went white as he’s not used to anyone challenging him physically.

He asked me to come outside too, then tore a strip off David telling him in no uncertain terms that he does not push his mother around period. There was a steelness about him, a coldness in his eyes, he wasn’t arguing. No debate. “You don’t push your mum around or speak to her like that again ever”

David apologised and it’s never happened again since. In fact, he’s been a good boy. They’ve actually got on better since then and it seems to have cleared the air between them. He’s even let David drive his car and offered to teach him to drive. I’m sure that they will get closer as they have more in common than they know.

But the biggest problem is Jamie. If only it was middle-child syndrome, we could understand that, accept it and know it would blow over. But he’s disruptive in class, constantly getting in trouble and always cheeky and often aggressive. He never listens to anything and if he does appear to listen then he seems to forget and repeat the same mistakes.

I worry about Jamie, I know he is different, not as academic as David or Max, he doesn’t seem to be able to remember anything he’s told accept when it suits him. He’s destructive, attention seeking and if he doesn’t get what he wants he gets nasty and throws a temper tantrum. Then cries and says that he misses his dad.

I know this is emotional blackmail, that he’s doing anything to get attention. But I feel guilty for leaving them when I do, for splitting my time between them and the new man in my life.

Things have got so bad between the two of them that there is open contempt from Jamie, either being rude or ignoring him. He says that he is my problem child, but I shouldn’t worry about him academically as Jamie is so self-interested that he will do what it takes to get what he wants. The only problem that he’s likely to end up in prison.

The scary thing is I agree with him, I just don’t know how I can change things. Jamie says that he just wants everything to be back to normal.

Normal? What does he mean by normal? Oh what it was like before I started having a bit of a life and stayed in every night, running after them, except for the odd night out once a month with Lynn and I was miserable and I felt empty inside. Never mind being constantly frustrated.

Even David will admit that I’m so much happier now. That I’m more balanced and content and it shows.

But on the other hand lying in bed together the other night, he said that he is struggling to like Jamie, that he thinks that he is just a nasty ignorant selfish boy. I can tell that he is starting to minimise any contact with him. I can understand that, who would want to be abused every time they come to mine and not be able to answer back?

So things can’t go on the way they are, I need to try and get help for Jamie, spend more time with him, help him to try harder at school. Possibly get him referred to a child-psychologist.

So what do I do? Lose the man I love or give up on my problem child?

There can only be one winner.

Part 20 – You Can’t Have One Without The Other!

How do you know when you love someone?

I don’t mean the pangs of desire and longing that you get in those early days,

That’s just lust … Its healthy … Been there, still doing that!

Just thinking about her makes my cock throb and demand to be touched. She obviously feels the same …. errrrm read similar …. as she tells me often enough. Either in person or those dirty texts while we are working that always makes me smile.

When we’re together not only does she want me, but she always wants to please me.

That’s a fantastic feeling, but that’s not what I mean.

We still haven’t actually used the L word, it’s as if we are both scared to say it or perhaps hoping that the other person will say it first.

I’ve asked myself how I feel about her. If I’m honest. I think about her constantly and not always in a sexual way although that’s an important part of the relationship.

But, I’m crazy about her, we speak every night and first thing every morning. Sometimes we’re on for hours and can barely get up in the mornings and are always running late for work or school runs.

We talk about everything and I know that I support her when she has issues with the boys or work etc .. Or just doing bloke things around her house. You know the kind of thing, making dinners, filling the dishwasher, doing washings and ironing. Yeah real guys do all that shit.. Even if they pretend they don’t. It’s all the things a partner should do.

So do I love her …

Yes I think I do, she’s not just my lover, she’s my friend, my confidante, my equal and I think of her as partner and enjoy all the things we do together as a couple and I don’t just mean sex and dancing. I miss her when we’re not together and I miss being part of a couple.

Is that all the boxes ticked? Pretty much really .. and what about that admission on the end .. missing being part of a couple?

If we were 20 then there wouldn’t be any issues, but we’ve had a lot of history since then, separate histories with separate life’s, houses and mortgages,. We can’t wave a magic wand and make that all disappear .. even although we have talked about it when we are lying together late at night.

It’s just not going to be easy to change all that. It’s not something you can do in a moment, but I do believe that where there’s a will there is always a way.

But the truth is, I can’t stand her middle kid .. I can’t, I give up, he’s a brat and likes to show it .. if he was mine I would have booted his arse along time ago and sorted him right out.

Every time I’m at hers, he acts up, and I don’t think it’s because I’m there. He’s incredibly rude, not to me, well not directly, always smart mouthed and so ungrateful to her despite everything she does for him. I bite my tongue most of the time, most of the time, but I can feel the pressure building up. and eventually I’ll say something .. nothing much ..I know the little shit is wanting a reaction which will just play into his hands .. but usually just asking him to do what ever his mum asks .. just because .. of course we are glowering at each other.

Funny thing is, I’m actually getting on well with the other 2 boys, their both pretty bright and we’ve found some common ground, Music for the eldest and football for the youngest, even although we support different teams or like different bands, it gives us something in common to talk about.

Anyway, I’m gibbering.

The question was how do you know if you love someone?

Right .. there you go .. I do love her ..I’m mad about her . there it is .. Its right out there.

So why can’t I tell her?

Is it because I don’t want to get in any deeper when I know how much this brat is pissing me off and the idea of having that little shit in my life is just too depressing to bear?

Yeah that will be it.

It’s a package deal, at least for the foreseeable future .. I can’t have one without the other.

Fuck!

Friday – All I Want For Christmas Is ….

Friday again …

Bloody hell where does that week go? Its been busy!

My daughter and I put up our tree on Wednesday night, I tested the
Christmas lights beforehand .. then put them up .. and they weren’t working … aaarrrggghhh!!

So last night I’m at Tesco picking out new lights, the joys.

At least these ones are LED and shouldn’t break as easily.

I’ve attached a wee pic below .. I think the tree looks great, I’ll need to get my finger out and get more Christmas shopping done and the presents wrapped up underneath.

Tonight .. its my ex-works official Christmas night out. They start at 12, lunch booked in The Grill On The Corner at 2, then I’ll catch up with them at 5 .. it’s going to be messy.

Tomorrow ..Christmas shopping and possibly meeting my mate John in Edinburgh.

Today …Thankfully after what seems like a long drawn out process, I got my new crown fitted this morning. I’ve had a temporary in for the past few weeks but it felt rough.

No it wasn’t my front tooth!

So what do I really want from Christmas?

Love Actually!

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There’s a Girl I Meet – Part 2 – Radiators And Drains

Yesterday I mentioned about the girl I meet, the lovely Margaret, lovely but most likely unavailable .. c’est la vie!

This is a sequel .. part 2 .. just when you thought it was safe to go back into the kitchen!

My office is on a floor of a few hundred people. it has a very small kitchen, eventually you meet everyone, chat away, pass the time of day until the kettle boils or the microwave pings.

There is another girl I meet .. well not a girl .. Margaret is a girl .. a girlie girl .. professional, but feminine. Feminine works for me.

This other girl is a Wummin ( Thats Glaswegian for woman ) .. a big
boned, big shouldered, I wouldn’t go home to her with a short pay-packet type of growler.

You got the picture?

Anyway, thinking about Margaret yesterday and our kitchen
conversations, some penny dropped somewhere and it dawned on me that I often have these other kitchen conversations with Shona.

Now Shona, is into sports, she swims every morning, 50 lengths apparently, which is very impressive. She also does weights and goes running.

She’s always telling me about her personal bests, which ligament
she’s pulled or what kind of physiotherapy she is getting ..etc etc.

I hate to confess, but after hearing the same stuff for a few months, I’m only half listening .. I did at first out of politeness, but now its every time I’m in the kitchen and its well, frankly quite boring.

But it dawned on me, while I was rereading the blog about Margaret
yesterday, that Shona just always seems to come into the kitchen when
I’m there and strikes about a conversation about her latest
achievements or personal woes.

And it clicked … Dear God, please don’t tell me that Shona fancies me!!

Help!! 🙂

Just kidding .. its probably purely conincidence .. probably!

No harm to her, but when you’re not interested, you just aren’t .. it just doesn’t work and never will. Thats a hard lesson but part of life.

The other interesting thing about the conversations I have with these 2 ladies, who are both nice enough people in their own rights, whether physically attractive or not.

Is that one is a radiator and even if there was no romance she would be fun to be with and the other is a drain and after each occasion that we speak I feel the energy zapped from me.

Do you have friends or associates like that?

I used to have, well I still do, in particular, a good pal from a long time ago, but over recent years, every time that we went out he was so negative about even the small things in life that personally I would have shrugged off, but he had to make a big deal of … and it wears you down.

We’re all allowed to have low-times, life throws the occasional curve ball and feck knows that I’ve been guilty of a few ups and downs when my hearts been breaking.

But this guy is married to the same partner for life, in some ways he’s happy, but he is so miserable about his lot, constantly whinges about it but never changes anything.

Get it off your chest .. thats fine .. but do something about it .. please!!

Now if I’m meeting my best best mate Stephen for a drink, he doesn’t tell me that our drain-friend is coming along, because he knows I’ll make excuses. He says that the only way that he can deal with the drain is to share the load.

I can understand that but why stick with people who drain you constantly and provide nothing positive in your life?

Do you ever get that, that you like someone, but they drain you?

I’ve had it in relationship context, it just tires you out, even if you like the person, it wears you down until eventually you wonder why you do it.

With hindsight, you are better off out of it and sooner rather than later.

Hopefully you learn the lesson for the next time.

Dilemma – There’s A Girl I Meet …..

Dilemma …

I work in this large office, a huge corporate faceless place in the centre of town.

Its a dull dull job, but pays well and I’m only here for the money.

I’m a “consultant” ( yawn) .. it means nothing .. I’ve only been here 5 months and have another month left on my contract and can’t get away fast enough.

But that’s not what this story is about ..

It’s about Margaret. ..

The lovely Margaret, classy, good looking, not beautiful in a conventional sense but beautiful to me.

On the day I started I spotted her, this gorgeous looking woman, tall but not too tall, shapely but not heavy, she has a beaming smile and pretty eyes with a kindness in them.

Of course, I didn’t know her at all back then, so that beauty was only skin deep, but that changes.

She looks like the right age group for me, a few years younger without being too young.

The first time that I set eyes on her, I thought … Wow!! … and left it that.

Okay, so she’s not Miss World, but Miss World wouldn’t be interested in me anyway.

I don’t have any business related dealings with her, I have no need to speak to her on any basis. No opportunity to get to know her.

But over the few months, we’ve bumped into each other at the small kitchen, making tea, chatting about the weather. One day she had missed lunch and was telling me how hungry she was. I had a spare pasta dish In the fridge .. it was an M&S 2 for 1 deal .. no big thing .. but it opened the door a little more.

Anyways, we would then have the very very occasional chat. usually in the kitchen and I wouldn’t think of going over to her desk.

She’s told me that she’s divorced and has 3 kids all girls ( 12-19) I’ve told her that I’m divorced and my girl (15) lives with me .. we’ve shared stories about their moods and about being a taxi service.

I’ve no idea if she has a man in her life or even wants one.

But now as I walk up the corridor and pass her desk, I always find myself turning my head to look at her, then fighting with myself to try not to and then keeping my head straight but sneaking a glance from the corner of my eye.

The last thing I’d want to do is stare … cringe!!

Sometimes she has looked up at me and when I’ve turned my head towards her she’s gave me a smile, I smile back, occasionally blush and walk back to my desk with a wee glow inside.

Daft? … Yes!

Teenage? .. Definitely!

Hopeless? .. Abso-feckin-lootly!!

I want to know more about her and would love to ask her out for a drink or dinner .. but I’m suffering the fear of rejection and particularly as its in a office scenario .. cringe again!

This must be the kind of dilemma that guys face the world over?

Fancying this girl, enjoying those little bits of getting to know you chats, and wanting to know more, but not wanting to cross any lines.

I’ve thought of sending her flowers, tasteful, but with an anonymous email, so we can have some contact to see if she is available, but that might freak her out as it would be one-sided.

Most importantly, the last thing I would like to do is cause Margaret any embarrassment at all .. just not my style, I’d rather admire from afar than that.

What is a guy to do?

What approach would work?

Should I leave the girl alone .. possibly wait and see if anything develops naturally?

What do you think?

Aaaah ….

But that changed last night, by sheer chance we left the office at exactly the same time. She’s looking great, dressed for winter, a nice little burgundy fitted dress, black tights and boots, pulling her blonde hair from the back of her coat. She’s all smiles as we go down in the lift talking safe shite cos there is some other person there. I’m thinking, maybe now is my moment, maybe its the time to take a deep breath and ask if she fancies a coffee. We are walking outside, past security and there he is waiting for her.

Shame!! 🙂