What do you do when you love someone but you don’t want to tell them?
Maybe you should ask yourself why you don’t want to tell them?
My reasons are simple and complex. I’m scared. It’s as simple as that.
I am scared that although we have deep feelings for each other that he won’t be here forever and I don’t want to commit to something that may not last.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy and we are so close and support each other in all that we do. Those worries I had in the early days about getting in too deep, too soon have long gone.
He’s attractive, kind and caring, very generous and without doubt, the sexiest, horniest man I have ever known. Not just in what we do but how he makes me feel.
As someone on his blog said ‘he’s the campest red-blooded alpha male they know!
Interesting comment and quite accurate too. I have no idea who that woman is, he says it’s someone that he used to go out with. She obviously knows him pretty well.
I’ve never asked him about her, its none of my business, I don’t want to know, but being camp and alpha-blooded are barely consistent and so very him. She obviously knows him much deeper than surface level and has passed through those early days where you don’t completely show yourself until you are confident in the other person accepting you for what you are.
Of course, we’ve discussed it, laughed about it, he knows that’s what he’s like, totally male, hard on the outside and soft on the inside, but in touch with his feminine side.
His camp side is just for laughs and I know how confident he is in his own masculinity that he doesn’t really care what people think and if anything enjoys playing up to their insecurities.
He’s very comfortable in his own skin, I really like that about him, even although he says he wasn’t always like that and was so insecure when he was growing up and never really been the most self-confident person especially where meeting women are concerned. I don’t really understand that, but he says he’s shy until he gets to know someone.
Shy? Who’s he kidding!
He’s confident., outgoing, He’s been gregarious with my friends and when I’m with him I feel free. I can do or say anything and I know he will respond and go along with it for fun.
In the bedroom, he’s soft but dominant, he likes to take control, but loves to give pleasure. We’ve played out some of our fantasies recently and I’m enjoying what we do and trust him completely as I know that he’d never hurt me.
It’s the same outside the bedroom, I always feel safe when I’m with him, I know he’d put himself in harms way for me, he’s done so on one occasion in a club when a mass brawl broke out. He pulled me away from the trouble, put himself in between and got me out of there as soon as possible. I just know that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me while I was around.
I trust him completely and I feel secure in our relationship and I know that he’s not looking to meet anyone else and neither am I.
So my issues aren’t with him at all, Its that relationships at our age just aren’t as simple as when we were young and I just don’t see how it can work, I really don’t.
As he’s got to know my kids, there have been lots of issues, at various points one likes him and the others don’t or one doesn’t and the others do, I’ve had them complain about me spending too much time away from them, even when I’m away with work or have a night out with the girls, its as if they blame him for taking me away from them.
I’ve sat down with the boys, reassured them, told them that no-one would ever take the place of their dad, that he doesn’t want to be their dad as he has kids of his own. They see how well he does with younger daughter who lives with him and they’ve met on many occasions. They even like his son who they met a few times and how close they are as a family.
He is getting on great with David and Max, playing football with Max on occasion or talking to David about music and even jamming together on the guitar and piano. David can be hard work at times, he’s deliberately caused trouble, been provocative, trying to wind him up. I know how difficult it must be for him to retain his composure and bite his tongue. But he has.
The closest it has came to getting physical was when David lost it one day and was pushing me around letting me know that he was bigger and stronger than me and could beat be if it became physical, which it didn’t, not really. But I was really upset and called him about it, when he arrived later he asked David to come outside. Now David is a big lad, plays rugby for the school, but his face went white as he’s not used to anyone challenging him physically.
He asked me to come outside too, then tore a strip off David telling him in no uncertain terms that he does not push his mother around period. There was a steelness about him, a coldness in his eyes, he wasn’t arguing. No debate. “You don’t push your mum around or speak to her like that again ever”
David apologised and it’s never happened again since. In fact, he’s been a good boy. They’ve actually got on better since then and it seems to have cleared the air between them. He’s even let David drive his car and offered to teach him to drive. I’m sure that they will get closer as they have more in common than they know.
But the biggest problem is Jamie. If only it was middle-child syndrome, we could understand that, accept it and know it would blow over. But he’s disruptive in class, constantly getting in trouble and always cheeky and often aggressive. He never listens to anything and if he does appear to listen then he seems to forget and repeat the same mistakes.
I worry about Jamie, I know he is different, not as academic as David or Max, he doesn’t seem to be able to remember anything he’s told accept when it suits him. He’s destructive, attention seeking and if he doesn’t get what he wants he gets nasty and throws a temper tantrum. Then cries and says that he misses his dad.
I know this is emotional blackmail, that he’s doing anything to get attention. But I feel guilty for leaving them when I do, for splitting my time between them and the new man in my life.
Things have got so bad between the two of them that there is open contempt from Jamie, either being rude or ignoring him. He says that he is my problem child, but I shouldn’t worry about him academically as Jamie is so self-interested that he will do what it takes to get what he wants. The only problem that he’s likely to end up in prison.
The scary thing is I agree with him, I just don’t know how I can change things. Jamie says that he just wants everything to be back to normal.
Normal? What does he mean by normal? Oh what it was like before I started having a bit of a life and stayed in every night, running after them, except for the odd night out once a month with Lynn and I was miserable and I felt empty inside. Never mind being constantly frustrated.
Even David will admit that I’m so much happier now. That I’m more balanced and content and it shows.
But on the other hand lying in bed together the other night, he said that he is struggling to like Jamie, that he thinks that he is just a nasty ignorant selfish boy. I can tell that he is starting to minimise any contact with him. I can understand that, who would want to be abused every time they come to mine and not be able to answer back?
So things can’t go on the way they are, I need to try and get help for Jamie, spend more time with him, help him to try harder at school. Possibly get him referred to a child-psychologist.
So what do I do? Lose the man I love or give up on my problem child?
There can only be one winner.