What to do?
Its late again and I’ve been lying awake for hours thinking aboiut her.
I love her to bits, more and more each time we meet. Thinking about her makes me warm inside. I don’t mean the lustful throbbing feeling in the loins, I get that too, I mean a deep longing feeling in my chest as it fills with pride that she’s my girl.
Okay we haven’t actually used the L word yet. It’s been on the tip of my tongue on quite a few occasions. But I’ve been hesitant to say it in case I’d said it too soon and it burst the magic bubble we’ve been living in.
I know she’s been hurt, I know she’s had her moments of doubt. But since that one comment on Friday night I’ve been asking myself can she still be in the rebound 2 years afterwards?
How long does it take? Am I some transient person who has helped her over her grief? An I wasting on my time on something which will dissolve once she’s healed and back to her natural self?
I’ve argued with myself, accepted that at surface level she is more attractive than me, more attractive than anyone I’d hoped to meet and while it was good I knew I’d hang on as long as possible.
But now, I’m not so sure, is that the cracks in the relationship starting to show?
Does she want more than I can provide, I never though of her as shallow, not someone who would make a relationship based on looks alone, but now I’m no longer sure.
I’ve read all the usual relationship stuff. Not the bullshit stuff that guys talk about, equating sex with love. even although they are meant to be able to seperate easier. Guys talk more about what they do rather than how they feel. Thats too simplistic, too easy, no wonder women get frustrated with them.
So I have spoke to my female friends. They are very wise. Much wiser than the usual grunt and offer of another pint from my pals.
Women are much better at dealing with relationship issues. Im not exactly sure why, maybe because men can be such arseholes?
My friend Elizabeth, former colleague and long time single, more relationships than I’ve had hot dinners, well okay holidays and I’m normally away a couple of times per year. She’s pretty switched on and made a good point. She said that we meet people for Reasons, Seasons and Lifetimes,
I like that. I get it .. its simple enough for me to understand. I wonder which one if these I’ve become to her?
I’m starting to think its a reason and season, certainly not a lifetime. Just long enough to help her get over her grief and move on to better things, or at least just move on.
If that’s the case then, I honestly wish her well. Good luck I say with an honest heart. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Sometimes you have to be the bigger man and let go. You have to put the other person first and let them go even if it hurts. What is it that they say, If you love someone set them free, yes I could do that, I’d want her to find what she’s looking for.
I just don’t know if I want to do that just yet. Maybe I’ll put my shields up a little, not go in too deep and have a wee bit more fun first .. let what will be, be .. and if she calls it off then I’ll not be so hurt.
Or maybe I should just speak to her about it. Like most men, I’m rubbish at that, opening up wounds and conflict, why do it unless you have to?
Jeez .. thats one thing that goes against my principles to do nothing .. to sit and wait on the inevitable, its so unacceptably weak. I’d rather face it up and get it out in the open than keep it under cover because the cracks will show eventually.
Just got her text, 2am and she’s “missing my kisses”, Fuck .. I miss hers too but does that change anything?
Shes obviously had a few glasses of wine with Lynn and feeling a bit lonely. I should reply but I’m not sure what to say.
I think I’d better speak with her. I’ll call her in the morning.
This is Part 14 of my fictional Online Dating story – For Part 1, click below.