Part 11 – For Who You Are Now!

I can’t believe how wet she is,  my finger has only just brushed against her but I can feel her lips part slightly as I run my fingers along the length of her.  Another slow soft gentle stroke and I can feel her open just a little more.

I’m kissing her softly on the lips, our eyes closed.  I’m holding her hands above her head, gently but firmly.  She has let me move her hands there,  she could pull away if she wanted to,  but she seems to be happy to let me hold them there.

Stroking her again, slowly,  this time letting my finger slide a little further between her lips,  the tip of my finger pushing them open a little then as I draw it along to the top of her labia.   I hold my finger there, lightly pressing against her clit,  teasing it, feeling the slightest of pulses as blood rushes towards her erogenous zones.

I’ve no idea why I’m holding her hands there,  it just feels like the right thing to do,  subconsciously, I’m putting a toe in the water of my fantasies and seeing how far she will let me push my luck,  I want to know if she wants to play these kind of games.

I can feel her clit stiffen slightly,  my finger drawing circles around it, then the occasional line as I drop my finger an inch and slide it a little deeper inside her,  stroking her from her opening to her clit,  excerting just the slightest pressure, causing her to softly moan,  then pulling my finger away and back to drawing circles.

I know I’m teasing her,  I’m enjoying the effect I have,  knowing that I can please her so easily.

Her breathing has quickened now,  I don’t know if she is aware of it,  but she has pushed her hips off the wall to meet my hand,  moving them subtley back and forth  as I stroke and tease her.

I stop kissing her,   pulling my head away to look into her eyes,  her face is lightly flushed,  her chest rising with her breathing.

She’s looking at me,  her eyes are bright and shining, I’m wondering whats going on in her head and what to do next.

I stop stroking her.  I want to test her,  holding my hand in position, my finger resting on her clit.

She sucks in a breathe of air as her eyes hold mine,  her hips moving less subtley now,  slowly pushing my finger a little deeper inside her then pulling away only to do it again, rhythmically in time with her breathing.

I hold her gaze as I let go of her hands, moving my hand slowly down her arm.

She looks surprised,  but her hips keep their rhythm,  her arms dropping a few inches as she relaxes them,  but I don’t want that,  I move her hands back into the position above her head, and hold them there firmly.

She obviously understands my message as when I remove my hand again,  she leaves hers above her head, her elbows and the back of her hands pushing against the wall to support her.

I step back a few inches,  running my left hand down her arms to her neck,   finding the zip of her dress and tugging it down to her waist,  lifting it off her shoulders,  but it won’t go anywhere with her hands above her head.

She seems to know my intentions and lowers her arms so her dress falls to the floor,  stepping out of it as I lift it from below her feet and drop it behind me as she unclips her bra and drops it on top of her dress.   Holding my gaze as she raises her arms back to where they were.

All this time my right hand has held its position, I’d heard that a professional massuese keeps one hand on your body at all times,  I liked the idea of that,  I like maintaining that connection as everything else changed around us.

We kiss again,  more passionately now,  the hunger increasing as I stroke her my fingers probing deeper and pushing just an inch inside and she pushes her hips towards me.   I’m kissing and sucking her breasts,  squuezing and kissing each in turn, devouring them.

I drop to my knees to taste her,  holding her lips gently apart with my hand,  licking her pussy from top to bottom,  the focusing on her clit,  teasing it with my tongue, hearing her moan and then sliding a finger inside her and bending it back to find her G-spot.

I touch and tease her until she drops her hands from their position above her head,  pulling my face into her vulva and pushing it against her,  I’m eating her hungarily,  using my tongue and gums on her clit as I pushed my finger inside her.

“Fuck me” she whispers “I want to feel you inside me”

We made love there and then in the halflight of the hall,  the street light coming in the window.   I have no idea if anyone could see us from the cul-de-sac,  We didn’t really care,  thrusting together until we climaxed,  then holding each other up as the pleasure hormones bounced around our heads.

Now kissing and giggling, my arms around her waist as she pushes against me.   We stayed like that for moments that seemed to last forever,  time seemed to have stopped and this could have been minutes or hours its impossible to tell.

She’s beautiful,  I think as pause to I drink her in for a moment,  her tummy is pretty flat considering she has had three kids,  I know she is very body conscious, cuddling together on friday she had highlighted her stretch marks,  I can see them now,  slight ripples of whiteness against her fading tan.

But I don’t care,   her scars make her who she is,  they define her.

She is a beautiful woman,  not perfect,  but neither am I,   I like her for who she is now.


This is Part 11 of my fictional Online Dating story – For Part 1,  click below.

If Peroni Did Mills And Boon!

Part 10 – Game On!

“Hello” he smiled as he held open the door to let me through.

“Hello to you too” I replied,  just as he kissed me,  a lovers  kiss, soft but full on the lips. Holding his to mine, our mouths wide and searching, it was only for a few moments but  it seemed too sweet to stop.

He takes my hand and leads me through the door.

“How was your drive?” As he closes the door and pulls me to him. His arms around my waist.

“It was fine and I found my way here much easier than last time”.  My arms seem to naturally follow his, reaching around his back,  noticing how broad he is at the chest but slim at the waist.

“I’m glad” he kisses me “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you”

“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you too”

We kiss harder,  our heads naturally tilting to the left as he moves his right hand to my  neck pulling my head gently towards him.

The kisses are getting deeper, our mouths open and tongues searching,  there’s a natural pause for breathe as we change the angle of our heads and he switches hands,  bringing his left to my neck and dropping his right hand to my bottom,  his fingers just reaching my cheek and squeezing slightly.

“I love your womanly curves” he grins as he squeezes me firmly.

“Just as well,  but you better watch your tongue or you won’t be seeing them”

“Oh, I’ll watch my tongue alright” he smiles as he pushed it deeper in my mouth.

We kissed harder, passionately,  he’s kissing the soft spots at the side of my neck and I moan softly as his mouth moves up and down the nape, nuzzling me,  the pressure of his mouth on my sensitive spots are sending waves of pleasure through my spine.

He gently pushed me back against the wall his hands running all over my body, one moment brushing over my breasts,  the next lifting my dress and squeezing the back of my thigh.

Then pauses,  we are gazing into each others eyes as he takes my hands from around his waist,  holding them together with his left hand and raising them above my head.

I’m wondering what he’s up to,  but he doesn’t say a word and we gaze eye to eye for a few seconds then he kisses me hard.

I’m kissing him back, my hands held above my head,  He is so much stronger than I,  but I know I could break free if I wanted to.

He is holding my hands with his left hand,  my face turned up to kiss him, his right hand moving from my neck,  slowly sliding down my body,, pausing at my breast for a moment and I gasp softly as he squeezes it through my dress.

His hand is now lifting the hem of my dress pulling it up as his hand moves in between my legs.  His hand moving to the outside of my panties and cupping my pussy in his palm,  his fingers pressing firmly against me but not yet probing.

He stops kissing me,  pulling his head back to look at me,  waiting.  I lean forward to kiss him,  I want him to continue but I can’t reach him as his hands are too strong.

He leans forward,  kissing me me softly as he starts to move his fingers along the length of my pussy,  caressing it and feeling its shape through the silky material,   I’m sure he can feel how wet I am.

He’s lifting my dress up some more as he flattens his hand and slides it inside my panties,   fingers probing, cupping me, his middle finger sliding along my length as my lips seem to open for him.

The game was defintely on!


Note to reader – Its; 5am, been writing this since 3am,  I can’t sleep as I’m a bit worried about my daughter Claire who has been ill since she came back to mine on Saturday and I took her to hospital last night.   Her own doctor had prescribed Amoxycillin,  but even I know that antibiotics don’t work for a virus.  So its nothing too serious,  I know she’ll be fine,  it just takes time.

When I imagined this scene I was thinking about Jack Vettriano’s painting Game On,  which is one of my favourites

If I’m honest,  its based on real experience too.

I once met Jack and he asked me which was my favourite painting, when I told him Game On,  he called me a Dirty Bastard!!

Game On

Game On


This is Part 10 of my fictional Online Dating story – For Part 1,  click below.

If Peroni Did Mills And Boon!

The Killers – We Are Dancers!

Tonight ..

The Killers play the SEC, Glasgow, I’ve been looking forward to this for months.

Well actually since about a month ago, when they announced the gig on the wednesday. Unfortiunately, the tickets sold out 5 minutes affter they went on sale. We were absolutely gutted.

It was my best mates birthday and I’d promised him a ticket

Even worse that the price on Ebay is hitting 200 per pair .. how crazy is that?

Not crazy enough .. 🙂

So tonight, meeting my mate in town at 4, champagne reception at 6:30 and free bar in the VIP including a 3 course buffet ..

How do you get courses on a buffet?

Are we Human or are we Dancer?

Do you really need to ask? 🙂


PS – If you know me, then you will know that I always hated that song, I thought it was meaningless poppy crap and can we not be both?

But I missed the point, its the difference between existing and living.

Are We Human Or Are We Dancers?

Choose Life!

Part 9 – Lots Of Catching Up To Do!

“Lynn, what a star” I thought again as I lay back in bed smiling.

We’d chatted and giggled the rest of the evening, two bottles of wine and a large bag of Temptations Sweet Chilli crisps. Making arrangements for Tuesday night and sending a few texts to make sure he was available.

Lynn was incorrigible, married for 20 years and having been with Alan since she was 17, it was almost as if she was dating by proxy. Of course, I know they’ve had their issues, moments of uncertainty and doubt, but they’ve passed that, their a team and seem more solid now than they were this time last year. Alan, well he’s a lovely guy, but boring, out-dated and he really needs to sop listening to Bob Dylan and ACDC. He wasn’t even born when Dylan was popular. I don’t mind that he likes that kind of music, its just that he forces it on the rest of us. The boys can’t stand going to their house because its a certainty he’ll get his LPs out when he has a few drinks.

Lynn, well, she never used to have much self confidence, but thats changed since she completed her degree a few years ago and got that
promotion. She’s travelled more, doing presentations to directors in Rome and Madrid and has grown as a person.

I think that Alan is really a bit jealous of her. I know he loves her, but he probably feels threatened that she’s moving on in life and no longer reliant on him financially. She’s much more outgoing and self confident and with the extra money she has more to spend on herself and dresses better both at work and when we are out for the evening. We do love our days out shopping together.

Alan has been very over-protective towards me since Andy died. I don’t think he’s comfortable when Lynn and I occasionally go out in Glasgow or Edinburgh, or even to the local clubs, but there’s nothing he can say as its not as if he doesn’t go for a drink with his pals or work colleagues. Even if its usually only to the golf club.

It wouldn’t be the first time that we’ve been out til 3am on a Saturday and he’s been sitting up waiting on her. Of course, nothings been said, or not often, but she must be aware of it, because she always makes a point of being dropped off first and waving to me in the taxi.

On the one occasion that I met someone, that tall good looking smooth married prick. Slightly the worse for wear, we made the schoolboy mistake of going home via Lynn’s. It seemed like the natural thing to do at the time as we couldn’t keep our hands off each other in the back of the taxi and Lynn was playing gooseberry in the front.

Alan saw us from the window and well that kicked off his jealousies and insecurities. There were accusations and threats, hints and alegations. Lynn had done nothing wrong, well okay chatting to the guys pal while we were on the dancefloor and snogging, but she was only chatting. Alan didn’t see it that way.

As it turned out, back at mine, snogging at the front door, he was being a bit too forward, hands everywhere.  I felt a quite uncomfortable being like that with someone that I’d just met.   I stopped to make tea and a breathe of air. I noticed that he kept looking at his watch and asked if he had somewhere to go. My spidey senses where tingling. He said that his kids were at home and he couldn’t stay out to long, but it seemed too rehearsed and it was already 3am.

Then I saw it, the tan line where the wedding band had been, I asked him if he was married and he said he was but he didn’t care about her. That was enough for me, I told him to get out and didnt even let him call a taxi even although he didn’t have a signal on his phone or know the address. I hope he took hours to walk home and his wife has the brains to put two and two together.

That experience made me wary, I felt stupid,   I’d let myself get caught up in the moment, okay we’d had a fair amount to drink, but there were no excuses, I’m not sure what would have happened an hour later.  I hadn’t planned on anything happening, but with my sober sensible head on I knew that I didn’t want this, some drunken episode with a random stranger.

I think thats why I’ve been so careful being online, its safe in someways, it allows you to filter out the obvious idiots and sleazeballs, but I’ve learned my lesson that you can’t always trust people at face value and there are lots of charmers out there. I think thats partly why I’ve taken so long to get physical with anyone, despite meeting so many times, midnight phone calls and chatting half the night.

I’ve even checked him out online.     Is that bad or normal in these days of internet dating?

Anyway, the texts tonight were fun, I’m really looking forward to seeing him on Tuesday. I need to drive so I’m picking him up and we’ll go for dinner somewhere. Not sure where yet. He usually has his daughter through the week but not this week for some reason.

I’m looking forward to seeing him, although the texts weren’t explicit, I know he’s looking forward to seeing me too and I’m hoping that this go as well as they did yesterday.

I’ve a lot of catching up to do.

Party Fears Two?

I’ll have a shower
then phone my brother up
Within the hour
I’ll smash another cup

Please don’t start saying that
Or I’ll start believing you
If I start believing you
I’ll know that this party fears two

And what if this party fears two?
The alcohol loves you
While turning you blue

You went from here
From closer to near
Oh awake me ……..

Last night, Heaven 17 were immense, better than I imagined, much better.

All the old favourites and Glenn’s voice more refined with a better range and richer tones than it used to be.

The first song of the encore was their homage to Billy Mackenzie. The crowd loved it, so many people of the 80s in the audience.

It completely blew me away and i can’t get their haunting version out of my head this morning.

This isn’t last nights version, I’m on the train scouring YouTube so can’t really listen to the quality but it should give you the idea. Just download it from iTunes!

Party Fears Two

Party Fears Two – BEF

Heaven 17 – Adorable Creatures With Unacceptable Features!

Tonight, the Electro-Pop legends that are Heaven 17 play Glasgows Carling Academy.

“Here today, mine tomorrow, where you go, I will follow”

It brings back memories of almost 30 years ago, my hair dyed blonde and cut in a David Sylvian geometric wedge and dancing to these new sounds of the 80s. I thought I was the coolest kid on the block, little did I know!!

“All I desire .. Temptation .. Adorable Creatures with Unacceptable Features .. Temptation”

Heaven 17, who’s name is stolen from a pop band in the movie A Clockwork Orange, feature 2 of the founding members of The Human League. I remember back in the day when THL split, the 2 real musicians MArtyn Ware and Ian Craig Marsh leaving to form H17 and leaving Phil Oakey with vocalists but no actual musicians.

“Once we were years ahead but now those thoughts are dead – Let me go”

Contractually obligated to cover all THL debts including the pending tour obligations. Phil Oakey and the roadie then quickly tried to learn synths, hiring the 2 slinky songstresses Joanne and Susan and some professional session musicians to provide the backdrop to the image of Oakey and the girls.

“I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar…… ”

Actually when Phil met the girls, they were underage 17 year olds dancing alone at Crazy Daisy’s Nightclub. They looked and danced like no one else around on the scene and he signed them up immediately.

“These are the things, the things that dreams are made of …”

The rest is legend, but its just as well there were producers more interested in making money from selling a fashion or the classic album which is Dare would never have created.

“Cos of you can pass the test, your worst is better than their best …. ”

But H17 rolled on, never as poppy or as popular as H17, much more socialist and independent. Their songs speak of the gap between wealth and poverty. The Luxury Gap between Penthouse and Pavement and being Crushed By The Wheels Of Industry.

“Some are nurses, Some steal purses, Some are workers, Some are not, It is time for a party, Liberation for the nation now!”

Tonight is the 30th Anniversary tour of the Luxury Gap album, played in entirety from start to finish, then a few extra singles thrown in from their other albums and for good measure some Human League songs that the H17 guys wrote.

“Get around town, No need to stand proud, add your voice to the sound of the crowd”

Fortunately, any hostilty between the bands has long since gone, the Sheffield Steel tour featuring H17, THL and ABC a few years ago showed that the relationships between the bands were friendly and co-operative.

“Here today, mine tomorrow, Where you lead I will follow, All that kissing, No passion missing, Kiss the boys good-bye”

If you happen to be interested, then download The Best Of BEF, the H17 side project featuring guest vocalists such as Chaka Khan and Billy Mackenzie from The Associates. Its a fantastic album, particularly Billy singing Free or the slow piano version of Party Fears Two which BEF did as a tribute on Billy’s early death.

I’m looking forward to a trip down memory lane tonight, Even more so with Human League in December, but I really can’t wait for Squeeze. Their reunion tour at the O2 a few years ago was fantastic.

About 6 years ago, my pals and I were in the pub discussing the band you’d most like to see reform. My choice was Squeeze, so when their lead singer Chris Difford was a guest with Jools Holland at the Armadillo and played 3 Squeeze songs, I was completely blown away. So much so that I wrote to Chris raving about the gig and asking them to reform Squeeze, a few friendly email exchanges later things went quiet, until a few years later and Squeeze reformed without Jools .. but they were just as good .. better even.

“You can take it or leave it .. But you’d better believe it ….”

Setlist For Tonight

Tempation …. How good does that dress look in this video?

Part 8 – Lynn, You’re A Star!

Lynn arrived at six, shouting hello as she opened the door, a bottle of wine in hand. Her usual time for a Saturday night in. just enough time to order a takeaway and watch xfactor or whatever they count as saturday night family entertainment. Occasionally a movie, usually a film we’d missed at the cinema as all we normally got to watch were cartoons, super-heroes or typical teenage movies. Although to be fair Pixar films like Ice Age were good fun and Up was a personal favourite, even although the beginning always makes me cry. Even before it proved too close to real life.

We’d then spend the rest of the evening putting the world to rights. more often than not, we were too busy chatting and laughing and missed the show had to wind it back or watch it on Sunday.

Lynn’s younger son was the same age as Max, and her elder in between Jamie and David, they all got on well, no fighting, just the odd petty squabble and boys being boys. I had pizza, chicken wings and chips in the oven for them when Lynn arrived and they disappeared to their rooms while we sat down with a glass of wine and waited for the Chinese to arrive.

Its funny how we hadn’t discuused watching XFactor or Come Dancing, it was unspoken and almost deliberate as we knew that as soon as it started, the boys would disappear off upstairs and we’d be able to enjoy our Chinese and gossip in peace.

Lynn had been a god-send in the months before and after Andys’ death. She’d been there when it mattered and had taken responsibility for the boys, making sure they were fed, did the school runs and helped with their homework in those first few months were everything else seemed to fall apart, but day to day things needed to be organised.

She’d been there to support me through all the financial practicalities too. Taking time of her work to suit my schedule, playing the “working from home” card so that she could come to the lawyers with me.

Having never experienced such personal trauma before, it seemed harsh that while you have to deal with such life-changing emotional issues as the death of your partner, you also have the serious financial issues such as estates, mortgages, pensions and bank accounts to organise too.

Sitting in the bank managers or lawyers office signing off paperwork that you barely even read. It all looks so meaningless, just sign here and get it over with, but it brings the finality home, forces you to confront your loss head on and there were more than a few tears.

I was lucky though, once everything was complete, the house was completely paid for, only 1 pound left on the mortgage to avoid paying early redemption fees, a generous death in service payment and monthly pension from Andy’s job with the oil industry.

That seems so long ago now, almost 2 years ago, Since then we’d been to New York with the girls and been on a few weekends away when my mum could look after the boys.

They say that friendships formed in adversity tend to last forever. I like to think that Lynn will be my friend for as long as we live.

We watched tv as we ate the chinese, sharing portions of crispy aromatic duck and salt and pepper chicken, no starters as we were both on diets, Lynn would agree that she needed it more than I. I could really do more with toning up than losing weight.

We were catching up on the local gossip, mutual friends and their kids. I think we both knew that we didn’t want to get to the nitty-gritty with mouthfuls of duck in our mouth.

“So come on then, let me hear all about it, I want all the details!” Lynn prompted.

“Well you know that it went well” I smiled, I’d told her things were going great in a few texts over the day yesterday, once on the drive to The Trossachs and once after dinner while he was at the loo. I hadn’t told her that we’d made love twice by then, but she was obviously looking for more.

“Yes, I know, but c’mon, you’ve been building up to this for a while and you told me that you stayed did you sleep with him?”

“Jeez Lynn, you’re sounding like Annette now!”

“Okay, but I’m just pleased for you meeting someone that you like and just want you to be happy”.

“Yes, I appreciate that, you know I do.”

“I know, I was just hoping things went well and he was a decent guy and looked after you”

“Thanks Lynn, its just different for me to be talking about this, but yes we did sleep together, actually we did a lot more than sleep and a lot more than once, but you’ll just have to guess the rest”

“Did you enjoy yourself?”

“Yes, I enjoyed the walk and he is a decent cook for a guy!” I teased!

“I’m glad to hear it, but you know what I meant?’

“If you’re asking me, if he was a senstive and considerate lover or a fumbling grunt, then I’d have to say that I was far from disappointed, in fact I was very pleased, but it was more than that.”

“What do you mean?” Lynn looked bewildered.

“I mean more than the sex. that was fantastic, but I knew he was looking after me and not being pushy. He knew that I hadn’t been naked in front of anyone except Andy for so long and I was feeling very body-conscious. The sex was fantastic, we started slowly, lots of kissing and caressing, before he went down on me. He made me orgasm twice before he even took off his boxer shorts, but as I said it wasn’t all about sex.

“Wow, sounds great, but I’m still not sure what you mean?”

“It was about feeling wanted and to be naked and completely exposed but to feel so comfortable with someone, that I could relax and be myself, cuddling, laughing and singing songs in the darkness, Remember that even before Andy passed away we hadn’t actually done anything for ages and when we did it was more functional than pleasurable, this was different.”

“Ah, I think I know what you mean mow, I’m really pleased for you, so when are you seeing him again?”

“Well thats the thing, we don’t have any arrangements, I left his early this morning while he was sleeping so that I could be here for Max’s football. We’ve had a few texts today and he’s said that he wants to meet again soon but we’ve no definite plans, I can’t just leave the boys.”

“Well why don’t you ask him if he’s available on Tuesday?”

“Ask him, are you kidding, is that not the man’s job?”

“For Gods sake, you had a good time, you like him, he likes you, what are you waiting for?”

“Okay, you’re right, I just thought … ”

“Tell you what, I’ll come over and watch the boys. Alan and my lot will be watching the football on tv and they’ll probably be glad if I’m out the house for a few hours, you go and have fun”

“Thanks Lynn, thank you so much. You’re a star”


This is the 8th Part of my Fictional Dating Story For Part 1 click here.

Part 1 – If Peroni Did Mills And Boon!v

Part 7 – Family, Friends And Affairs.

Saturdays were usually days running around with kids. Max’s football, Jamie’s swimming and David’s guitar lessons. Occasionally I’d share the taxi service with other mums but most of the time we were pushed for time ourselves.

Picking up and dropping off and the younger two complaining about waiting in the car and not being allowed to stay at home like David, while he learned the latest riff from The Vaccines or some other indie band. They’d got used to bringing their DS’s along but you’d think it was my fault if they’d forgot to charge them.

David my eldest likes to think he’s man of the house. He does try, going round the house at night and making sure the doors and windows are locked. He even does the bins without asking, the things his dad did, not much really. He wouldn’t think of making a dinner or putting a washing on. Hopefully he’ll learn.

I know he misses his dad and puts him on a pedestal but I wonder if he remembers about the darker times when his dad lost his temper usually when he was drunk and his bitterness and resentment came to the surface. I know that David saw Andy hit me on at least one occasion. it was the time that my mum who was baby sitting called the police as he’d dragged me through the house by the hair all because some guy had spoke to me while he was at the bar.

The irony in this being that it was Andy who’d actually had an affair, Some barmaid from his club, blonde hair, big boobs and a backside to match. He swore it was meaningless, just attention and sex and that he never stopped loving me. But I’m sure that he would have felt differently if I’d been lying through my teeth just to get the odd night of fun away from home.

To be fair, most of the time he was a good dad, but his insecurities showed through when he was drinking heavily and it wasn’t the first time he’d started an argument just because some guy looked at me. Even getting himself thrown out of his favourite ACDC concert at hampden. Leaving me and the kids inside just because a guy with his wife and kids across the aisle gave me the odd glance.

I would never have cheated on him, I loved him and wouldn’t even so much as think about another man but isn’t it funny how the sinner always seems to judge you by their standards?

Of course, in a small town like ours, were there’s only one school and people still treat incomers like us as outsiders, people talk and that talk doesn’t take long before it comes home. Particularly with “friends” like Annette who’d never lived or worked anywhere else and her idea of exotic was her annual week in Benidorm.

When she’d told me that Andy was maybe up to no good, I wasn’t sure whether to confront him right away or bite my tongue and look for the signs. It didn’t take long before I noticed the small things, going out to fill the car up with petrol the night before to saving him going in the morning and it taking 20 minutes rather than 10. I even checked one morning afterwards and there was no fuel in the car. That and his mobile phone now being mysteriously locked. I even remembered the couple of nights were he came home later than usual and I wondered if he’d really just not been able to get a taxi.

Putting it altogether, it was too much just to let it go and I kicked myself for not noticing the signs sooner.

I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer and that night after the boys were in bed confronted him. Initially he denied everyting. brazen faced and lied, I asked him to show me his phone and he refused, accusing me of being paranoid. Even attempting to throw counter accusations about me even although he had no reason to doubt me. That was until I told him I was going to speak to the barmaid, his face went ashen and he confessed all, well probably all that he felt he could tell, enough to pacify but not all teh details, sobbing and crying the whole time and promising that it meant nothing.

But it was enough for me, I asked him to sleep in the spare room for a few weeks and he then moved out to his dads.

Over the 18 months, from the incident where the police where called and he was charged with assualt and until discovering the affair and its implications. I’d spoke to Lynn about leaving him at various times, both of us in tears, her telling me her doubts about Alan, she’d been a voice of reason, telling me he loved me and that he’d learned his lesson, but I wasn’t so sure.

But time heals, you delude yourself, you convince yourself that it was nothing and that he never stopped loving you. So after a month at his dads and he pleaded and begged me to let him come home. I agreed as long as we took things slowly and built trust again. He swore that it would never happen again, he even showed me that his phone was unlocked, was home early and stopped disappearing at night.

Everything seemed opkay for a few months, But the boys told me that he’d met her and her kids at the local swing park on a couple of occasions since he’d came home. They’d even told me that he’d asked them not to tell me. That did it for me as trust was gone and I couldn’t live with the feeling of deceit and I knew I had to get out of the relationship.

But that was before events overtook us and his health started to deteriorate.

If it hadn’t been for Andy taking suddenly ill and feeling duty bound to be there for him through the testing, the treatments and the major surgery which turned out to be futile then I’m sure we would have split up sooner.

Instead, we spent the August to January going through treatments and chemo, the surgery in March where they removed his lymph nodes and the majority of his esophagus, stretching his stomach through his gullet to form a replacement. They told us that he’d be on constant medication to conteract the effects of the normal digestive acids and that he would never be able to play rugby or go running again. But we took that in our stride, anything was better than nothing and all that mattered now was staying alive and being a family for the boys.

That was in January, my work were fantastic, I could take as much time off on full pay as necessary and I nursed him myself until the february, until the follow-up tests told us that there was nothing they could do and he had a month at most. Earth shattering as it was, it was hard to believe this news as apart from the after effects of the operation. He seemed to be functioning normally, even going out in the garden for a short kick-about with the boys.

But the doctors were right, by the beginning of March he was skin was yellow and jaundiced. He was visibly losing weight and became bed-bound as his system fell apart. The hospital organised pallative care with Marie-Curire, who’s nurses were fantastic and became part of the family for the final weeks.

By the middle of the March he was gone, a house full of friends and the three boys and I in bed beside him.

Cos You’re Filthy And I’m Gorgeous!!

Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘what ya done?’
This used to be the life but I don’t need another one.
You like cuttin’ up and carrying on, you wear them gowns.
So how come I feel so lonely when you’re up getting down?

But I don’t feel like dancin’
When the old Joanna plays
My heart could take a chance
But my two feet can’t find a way
You’d think that I could muster up a little soft-shoe gentle sway
But I don’t feel like dancin’
No sir, no dancin’ today.
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’

Don’t feel like dancin

I love that song .. and of course I feel like dancing. Its part of who I am.

But admit it .. you’ve danced to that song, you’ve mouthed the words and made it up as you went along cos you don’t really know them!!

Or is that just me? 🙂

So tonight the Scissor Sisters play at the world famous Glasgow Barrowland Ballroom.

Incredible to think that my mum and dad used to dance there, big bands and crooners, bygone days when the women would wait hoping to be asked to dance .. hoping that the man was a gentleman .. particularly in those the dark days of the early 60s.. which I won’t mention here .. not today in this feel good friday message.

Tonight .. there are no doubts that the famous old dance-floor will be bouncing.

I love that feeling. Standing there and bouncing without doing anything!

Its like being on a trampoline!

We’re going out straight from work.

Meeting my gay pals for a few drinks beforehand, cocktails and peroni. .. and thats just me!

Maybe something to eat, maybe not.

Drinking on an early stomach .. dearie dear!!

What would yer mammy say? 🙂

I love that line “so how come I get so lonely when you’re up getting down”

Isn’t that clever?

Have you ever been there?

A watcher rather than a participater?

Watching the love of your life up there having a good time and wishing she was dancing with you instead?

Me .. I have .. but now .. I’d rather be on the dance-floor than watching.

Life is too short to be a wallflower.

So if you’re watching, don’t be shy, come and join me .. its just fun!

Tonight its time to be Filthy and Gorgeous!! 🙂

Fillthy and Gorgeous

Part 6 – The long wait is almost over!

“So how was your big day out?”

Lynn smiled as she asked, nothing blatantly obvious in that question. But I knew what she wanted to know.

“I had a really good day thanks.” Just enough to let her know that I’d had fun but keep her guessing on the rest.

I wasn’t going to tell her what she wanted in front of all these other football mums, watching the boys playing seven-a-side on the schools astroturf pitches, certainly not with Annette within earshot. But too late as Annette had just came over to pick up one of the mugs of tea I was making.

“Oh, were you doing something special yesterday? What were you up to?” Annette, always direct, nothing subtle about her.

Lynn, Annette and I have been friends since our kids started at school together. The friendship has grown from conversations at the school gates to the odd glass of wine at each others house, organising things for the kids to weekends away together, letting the men experience what its like for a couple of days, going to nice hotels, getting dressed up and letting our hair down.

Lynn is my best friend, we have similar attitudes to life. similar careers and we enjoy the same things. Shopping in Glasgow or Edinburgh and our days out without the kids. Usually finishing with Cocktails at Harvey Nicks or Corinthian and giggling as we stagger barefoot for the last train home. It wouldn’t be the first time that either of us had fell over as we’d ran across George Square rushing for the train.

She’s been there for me in times of need, when Andy and I had had our ups and downs or when his illness went from bad to worse. She’d been fantastic then, in those dark days, looking after the boys and making sure I ate even when I didn’t feel like it. Its at times like those that you really know who your friends are. My other best friend of the time, Fiona, she enjoyed our days out together, but when Andy took ill she was no where to be seen. Her loss and the friendship has never been the same since then.

Lynn knows everything about me, good and bad. No secrets, well not many. She’s a bit of a prude really, having been with the Alan, the dullest man on the planet, since she was 18 and will talk about everything, but gets really embarrassed when it comes to sex. Although its never stopped her wanting to know the details.

Annette on the other hand, she’s a rough diamond, a wee bit of a soul. She’s never got enough money as her partner Simon doesn’t work but always seems to manage and would give you her last penny if you needed it. I’m not absolutely sure that I could honestly say the same for Lynn. Thats not fair, Lynn is very materialistic, but she’s been there.

Typical of Annette to want know about yesterday, she’s the local gossip, you daren’t tell her anything or it ends up on Facebook.

“Were you out with your new man?”

There it is, straight to the point and nosey as always. Thanks Lynn, if I’d wanted Annette to know then I’d have told her.

“Yes, we were out all day, a walk during the day and out in Glasgow last night.”

“Lucky you, where did you go for dinner?”

Why can I suddenly feel a slight flush on my face?

“We had dinner at his, before we went out”

“Did he make something nice ..” Then the penny dropped “You were at his? … tell me more? … did you stay?”

“No, I came home as I had to be here for Max and it was my turn to bring the teas”, I lied hoping my blush didn’t give it away.

“Oh well I hope you enjoyed yourself” she smiled as she picked up her mug and went back to talking to Claire.

Lynn’s smiling at me now “You did stay!!” she whispered “Tell me all!”

“Yes I did, but I’m not telling you anything here. Are you still coming around later?”

“I definitely am now!” she laughed!

The game finished, a 2-2 draw, Max had played well and had a couple of assists, but wasn’t happy with himself that he hadn’t scored.

He had a habit of judging himself only by the goals scored and not his overall contribution. Do all men think that way? Is it something they are programmed with?

I thought back to yesterday, I’d had a lovely day, he’d made it really special for me, small and subtle things, knowing the sandwiches I liked on our walk, a half bottle of bubbly in his rucksack, I knew he was on best behaviour and trying to impress. He didn’t really need to do all these things, but I’m glad he did, it made it easier for me to relax.

I’d had a few sleepless nights leading up to yesterday, it wasn’t exactly one of those now or never decisions, More that we’d reached a point where if it was going to happen it would happen now or it would never happen and we’d become friends and the relationshp would fade before it had really begun.

I’d been thinking about him constantly over the past few weeks, sometimes when I should been working, or on those nights alone in bed when I couldn’t sleep. Occasionally touching myself thinking about him and those few hot snogs that we’d had in the car and feeling guilty for it at the same time.

This was different for me, I hadn’t actually slept with anyone since Andy passed away, a couple of snogs and one drunken fumble with some lying cheating bastard who turned out to be married.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was an attractive wonman, I know when I’m dancing and men are watching me. I’ve had lots of offers. Not all wanted and not all expected. One friends husband making a drunken pass at me, telling me that he had always fancied me and didn’t like to see an attractive girl going to waste.

Going to Waste??!! … You mean .. Like your wife? .. I’d asked him.

But yesterday, I’d had my sleepless nights, wondering if I was doing the right thing. But I knew the time was right and I’d already decided that we would make love. I wasn’t sure when it would happen, I just knew that if he didn’t make a move then I would make it for him. I had to cross that bridge sooner or later and I’d rather it was with someone who made the effort to get to know me and even cared for me than someone I had just met in a club.

It wasn’t as if we hadn’t spoke about sex, late night phone calls, not least the one from my weekend in Iceland with the girls where we’d been out clubbing to God knows when, I’d had a few offers that weekend. Rejkavic really is a party town and no-one goes out before midnight. I could have been like Susan and went back to the hotel with Filip that gorgeous Norwegian Lawyer and his friend.

We hadn’t even met yet, we’d spoke and emailed for a few weeks and only just arranged the first date in Champagne Central, At this point, I know that I didn’t owe him anything, we haven’t actually met, no promises were being broken.

So why did I find myself drunkenly texting him to say that “I am a very sensual woman and tired of refusing offers and if he wanted me, to call me now” .. I knew that he was a nightbird but absolutely amazed that he called me, 5am in the UK and two hours on the phone back to Glasgow. An expensive call, but i’m glad we chatted.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m not sure that I would have held out for the rest of the weekend with Filip around and Susan enjoying the attention from the Norwegians and her well meaning encouragement.

But yesterday, I have to admit that I was nervous but quiet excited, getting the boys up and off to school, then showering and pampering myself a little, body lotion and perfume. For a hillwalk? I wasn’t even fooling myself.

I’d even bought new underwear for the occasion, wearing them under my walking clothes, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t make some sort of move either before or after we went walking.

He was making dinner when I arrived, chicken and chorizo in the slowcooker, you could smell the chorizo the moment the door was opened. He smiled and we kissed, a friendly kiss, only slightly lingering, but I could tell that the thought was there.

His place was bigger than I expected and very tastefully deccorated, I knew that he’d lived there with his ex, she obviously had good taste. It felt strange to be in someone else’s house, but at least there were no pictures on the wall or any remnants of his previous relationship.

He takes my bag and helps me inside, another kiss and then he takes me upstairs, to the spare bedroom to hang up my dress .. I suppose that he’s trying to be a gentleman, not being presumptive, I appreciate that, but lets not delude ourselves.

Back in the kitchen, he’s making tea, stirring the dinner and talking about our walk, how long it will take to get there, how long it will take to get to the top. He’s not the best looking guy I’ve ever known, but theres something about him, a confidence and ruggedness, he looks strong and manly, not the macho type, I know he has a soft heart, but he’s tough on the outside and very protective.

Then he stops talking and he’s looking at me from the corner of his eye then turning to face me. I can feel myself melt inside , I’m tingling and needing to be touched, I want him now, I want to feel his arms around me and my lips on his.

Nothing is said as we step towards each other, kissing hard and passionately, his hand sliding inside my fleece and squeezing my breast, kissing me hard on the mouth as he pushes the fleece to the floor and slips the straps of my top and bra down my left arm.

The long wait is almost over.


This is the 6th Part of my Fictional Dating Story For Part 1 click here.

Part 1 – If Peroni Did Mills And Boon!